Happily Ever After; S6, EP 8

Kalani & Asuelu:
It was finally Kalani and Asuelu’s turn to go to a sex store (because one couple on each season has to go to a sex shop. It’s 90 Day protocol). They were looking to gather a few things in preparation for their romantic weekend getaway……. with Kalani’s mom and the kids. The sex shop scene was mostly blurs and bleeps, while the couple gawked and giggled, as expected. I’ll save you the details, but they left with a bleep-ring for Asuelu’s bleep, and a whip that looked like a cat toy, so Kalani could unleash her frustrations for the last 4 seasons on Asuelu’s boohole. 
The next day, the family of 5 headed out on their road trip for their romantic getaway. Asuelu took the wheel (I guess the trauma from his fender bender wore off from last week), as he drove to the surprise destination; Cabins with bunk beds at a dude ranch. Though Kalani seemed unimpressed by the venue, she tried staying positive (that is, after a series of snide comments and complaints). Asuelu made sure the front desk booked the couples’ room out of earshot from Mother Kalani and the kids, because if the cabin is a-rockin’ don’t come a-knockin’. And he literally said something like that to the woman at the front desk.
Once alone, Kalani had a few swigs of booze to loosen up and get herself in the mood for romance. The next morning, after a long night of trying out their recent purchases, Kalani and Asuelu were looking pretty chummy as they greeted the ranch’s many horses. Kalani dry-heaved from the smell of the horses, unlike most of us, who were just dry heaving from the comments about their sex life. They moseyed over to a convenient fire pit to try out some new “communication” exercise that required staring into each others’ eyes, which went a lot better than when they communicate verbally. Asuelu appreciated Kalani’s big brown eyes, comparing them to a mixture of a “pussycat” (there he goes with that word again), mixed with a cow, because every woman loves to hear that any part of her resembles a cow. The fireside chat seemed to be a positive move for their relationship, with the Sam-wan word for fire being “Afi”. The couple agreed to use “Afi” as sort of a safe word going forward, to de-escalate any future fights by remembering to keep calm and communicate (Kind of like George and “Serenity now!”). I felt myself saying Afi a few times this episode, at various points. Can’t wait until next week, when Kalani unravels all of the progress they’ve made by telling Asuelu she secretly met with a divorce lawyer. AH-FIIII!

Big Mike, Nataloonie-toon & Trish’s bangs:
Well, it’s safe to say Thanksgiving sucked. The food looked horrible, and they never even seemed to finish their vat of coleslaw from last week. Natalie was packing zee things in zee suitcase to high tail it out of Oklahoma while Trish tried to suggest a peace offering in the form of an itchy home-spun scarf. Natalie refused the scarf, and turned into a giant bratty kid, announcing that she tattletaled on Trish to her own mother, who told her she was high. Or something like that, I couldn’t pay attention, I was shouting “Afi!!” at the t.v.
Natalie stormed off (wearing some kind of blazer and waaay too much unblended bronzer), parking herself in the backseat of Trish’s car, which was parked in the driveway. Trish was sporting her homemade neckerchief (hand spun from 100% butterwool), as she and Mike went outside to attempt some conflict resolution. Natalie was staring straight ahead, reluctant to speak, as she was still convinced Trish had called her a hooker (In all fairness, they were in the kitchen…Trish may have said “You look like a cooker” and Natalie just ran with it… Either Trish did say it and production edited it out to make Natalie look crazy, or Natalie made it up and is actually crazy. I wouldn’t doubt either scenario). Mike tried to get to the bottom of this feud between his two leading ladies, demanding that Natalie explain the reasoning for her most recent tantrum. Natalie claimed to still be mad that Trish wanted to object to her wedding, causing it to be cancelled, and she was sick of Trish’s bad jokes and career suggestions. There were no amount of crocheted scarves that would persuade Natalie into giving up her dream of starring in the sequel, “Fatal Attraction 2; Bunnies, Boiling, and Borscht” to become some dumpy interpreter (no offense, Adam, from “The Other Way”). Mike sided with his mama-bangs, not understanding why Natalie would be acting so….well, Natalie-like. He slammed the car door as he walked back into the house with Trish, who suggested Mike give his bride $5,000 and a flight back to Ukraine (with the ironic part being she thought he had that kind of money saved up). 

Once inside the confines of Trish’s pig haven, it was clear that Mike was aligning himself with Mommy Dearest, and leaving Natalie to get high with her other 5 personalities. It was time for the lovely couple to head to the airport, so Trish (who was still sporting her homemade scarf, because product placement) threw Natalie’s coat at her in the backseat before hopping in the front to drive in uncomfortable silence. Natalie stared out the window for the entire ride, refusing to so much as respond to necessary airport questions, such as which airline they were flying so they could be dropped off at the appropriate terminal. Natalie made sure to walk at least 1000 ft behind the mommy/son duo at the airport, before making her final display of indifference by not saying goodbye and heading alone through security. Trish lightly reflected on her comments she had made throughout the trip, not really seeing why Natalie was so angry with her. The most perplexing thought was how Natalie could have refused one of her world-famous scarves (which Mike reassured her were the absolute best). Mike seemed to be dreading the plane ride home, as well as the rest of his life. I am now convinced that Trish only agreed to be on the show to promote her thriving scarf business. AFI!!!

Tiffany & Ronald:
Tiffany was in her cold-shoulder loungewear as she broke the news to her mom that she and the kids would be spending the holidays with Ronald in South Africa. Mother Tiffany is obviously not a Ronald fan, and was trying to encourage Tiffany to note all of the many red flags this go around, instead of being all “Hakuna Matata”. Tiffany admits that she may have made stupid decisions in the past, but…. Wait, she’s probably going to make more. Looks like next week we get to see her reunite with Ma’Boy in South Africa. Godspeed to traveling that many hours with a toddler…

Angela & M.I.A. Michael:
The incredible shrinking Meemaw stepped on the scale to reveal a 40lb weight loss in the last 5 weeks. Thrilled with her results, she happily hopped on a video call with coordinator Natasha and one of her three doctors. The doctor checked in to make sure Angela had quit smoking, but no such luck. She joked and made light of all of the serious complications she could face if she continued ignoring the doc’s orders, like only Angela could. She over-shared with the Doctor and Natasha the state of her relationship with Michael, who is currently giving her the silent treatment. The doctor, who wasn’t the least bit interested in hearing about her relationship problems or her attempt to change the topic at hand, proposed Angela try being hypnotized in a last ditch effort to quit smoking for good.
Later on Angela met up with the hypnotist, hoping his magic tricks would free her from her dirty habit. At the hypnotist’s suggestion, Ang went outside to smoke her last few puffs before the session began. In what was probably his most challenging case yet, the hypnotist communicated with Angela via headset, like they were playing some kind of interactive video game together (Aunt Lydia should have slipped him a $20 to hypnotize her into wanting to tote an egg). Of course the session couldn’t have ended without Angela bringing up how a possible relapse would only be Michael’s fault, as she claims he’s the biggest stressor in her life. I hate it when Meemaw and Papa Michael argue…..

Elizabeth & Undrrrrei:
Undrrrei was outside working on his kettlebells (getting pumped in case there’s another yacht fight anytime soon..), when Libby came outside in her weird French maid-inspired bathrobe to have a chat. They discussed last week’s scripted drama and Elizabeth claimed that her relationship with Sister Becky was beyond repair. Undrrrrei isn’t interested in a Sister-Sister reunion; He’s just ready to hop in Chuck’s RV to butter him up (Trish’s favorite) to further his Moldy empire.  At least I found one thing I have in common with Elizabeth; I also don’t want to be stuck with her family in an RV.
Elizabeth went over to Sister Jen’s house to try and patch things up with Sister Becky for the sake of the RV Trip from hell. Jen, the mediator tried explaining to Libby that the family feels Undrrrrei is shady and that he’s just trying to get in with Chuck and grab a part of the family business, while simultaneously hating the family. I’m not sure what else they talked about, because it was just a bunch of uppity girls with sinus infections bickering, and I was just admiring Jen’s model home. 
I think they all decided to put everything aside for Chuck’s sake so they could enjoy the RV nightmare that’s about to happen next week. While we’re doing things for Chuck’s sake, can we get them off of my t.v. for Chuck’s sake??! (Okay, it rhymes with “For Chuck’s sake”)…

Jovi & Yara:
Can’t decide if they were on the show this week or not…

Brandon & Julia Gulia:
The couple were off to Ron’s big 70th birthday bash, with Julia freaking out about meeting Brandon’s extended family. Brandon and Julia were impressed with all of Betty’s “super cool” decorations from Party City, but the mood changed when they saw the “Just Married” signs. Turns out, Betty and Ron surprised the newlyweds with a cake and acknowledgement of their recent nuptials. Of course this made Julia crazy, as she clearly stated that they did not want another wedding party and felt Betty was making a power move. Brandon and Julia reminded Betty that they clearly stated they did not want anyone to celebrate their marriage, and stomped out of the party, leaving Betty standing there with her cake and cute “bride dragging the groom down the aisle” topper. Afi!!!!
After the big party, Julia and Brandon sat down with Betty and Ron to discuss what had transpired. Brandon fought hard to stand up to his parents and assert his adulthood, which was kind of new and different. He claimed to have been upset that his parents didn’t listen or respect the couples’ wishes to not eat cake with their names on it in a room full of friends and family. He felt like it’s finally time for he and Julia to fly the coop, and announced they would be “outta there” soon. Betty seemed heartbroken, feeling like her nice gesture had gone unappreciated and ended in embarrassment. Julia chimed in the conversation only once, to thank Betty, while explaining their need to have a place of her own instead of shacking up on the farm. Ron suddenly became very animated, double-dog-daring Brandon to move out and try and pay bills like the big boy he thinks he is. Julia seemed to be enjoying this new side of Brandon, probably finding it to be a turn on. At least this week she’s not threatening to go Russia…