Happily Ever After; S6, EP 1

The first episode of Happily Ever After was pretty much Groundhog’s Day; We had to relive all of the storylines and had a crash course on all of the couples’ entire relationships. There were Ukranian death stares, slut people, dirty talkin’ Meemaws, and a prince of Moldova. I now present to you the Happily Ever After Book Report: Season 6, Episode 1…..

Angela broke in the new season by tipping her scale at 273 lbs and counting. She went over her entire 90 day journey with Michael from their first meeting in Nigeria (leaving out that he did the bj forreal) all the way through their Big Fat Nigerian Wedding. Though she feels confident that she can still “rock the bedsheets”, Angela was looking to make a change, as her recent weight gain has been slowing her down. She took the “grids” (her adorable brood of 6 grandkids) outside while sporting some Lady Gaga inspired Dollar Tree sunglasses so they could all play “Track and Field Day” in the name of fitness. After having the kids watch her struggle to run laps and weave around cones for our benefit, she sat them down to let them know that Meemaw would soon be traveling to L.A. to have her fat removed. She tried explaining that she seemed to be “getting fatter for unknown reasons”, though the grids of course ratted her out by bringing up her favorite food groups; Cake, Candy Canes, Cupcakes and Donuts. Feeling like diet and outdoor activities would not be enough, Angela decided to make the journey to LALA -land for a gastric sleeve procedure.

Back in Nigeria, we got to meet back up with Angela’s long distance husband Michael, who came on camera holding a pooping baby that presumably belonged to a family member. Michael’s Aunt Lydia was conveniently there to pick up where she left off last season, badgering Michael about working on starting his own family planning with Angela, because she happens to be a menopause denier. The Family Michael also weighed in on Ang’s weight loss surgery claiming Angela should be focusing her energy and finances on producing a baby “Mangela”, instead of her Meemaw makeover. Michael feared that Angela’s weight loss could be an attempt to regain some self confidence so she could meet someone new, since their long distance marriage seems to currently have no end in sight.
The night before Angela’s big trip out west, she video chatted with Michael and tried to ease his insecurities about her motives for the Meemaw metamorphosis. She explained that the new body renovation was simply for health reasons, and she would never leave Michael since his “Key” is the only one that fits perfectly in her “Lock” (okay, her actual explanation gave more of a visual but I decided to take a different direction).
Angela was so excited to fly out to California for the first time, as she threw on her face poncho (with the smiley face) and off she went. She was retrieved from the airport by a friendly Uber driver who she discussed all of her personal issues with in the most Angela way possible, even making sure to check in with the surgery center on speaker phone so she could share with the class. Unfortunately Angela was unable to follow any of her pre op rules, such as refraining from smoking and eating only liquids (and she was most likely swindled because she likes cake). She discussed her struggles and lack of “wheel-power” with her Uber driver friend, as they rode onward to the end of the episode.  

Hopefully the surgery goes smoothly and the only pain Angela experiences is back pain…..…….from carrying this whole damn season.

Natalie and Big Mike:
Cue the random French music (which had me nervous that Amira was going to surface…), as we see Natalie sitting by a pier in Seattle waiting to meet up with her husb-enemy Big Mike. They went through their entire annoying and weird relationship, gushing about the cutesy beginning where Natalie made Mike videos that sounded like something David would receive from Lana. The tone changed, however, when they got up to the part about the fight in “Keev”, and it was all downhill from there. After sitting through a recent season of their shenanigans, it seems unfair to subject us to more without an intermission or palette cleanser of Uncle Beau tap dancing or singing “Free Bird” or something, but here we are…
During the couples’ interview, Mike was directly asked why he chose to break off their wedding the night before, which he declined to answer. Natalie just sat by his side, squirming awkwardly as usual, and they just seemed to move on.
Mike and Natalie took a little break from Zee Voodz to sleep in a hotel in Seattle. Since Natalie has earned back “zee rink” (her objective from last season), she has turned her attention to making sure Big Mike was wearing one as well. She took Mike to some kind of patchouli sniffing crystal store, as I could almost smell the incense coming through the screen making me gag (almost as much as Mike’s gross sexual innuendos he made towards Natalie). Since she hasn’t been working and is low on funds, she offered to buy Mike a $3 ring out of a bowl on the counter, which they conveniently seemed to have in Paul Bunyon size (I actually think mood rings would be perfect for these two…they are cost effective and would be changing colors every 5 minutes).
Mike agreed to wear a hematite wedding ring, guaranteed to align his chakras, and things seem to be looking up. He asked Natalie if she would like to take a vacation, which of course on this show doesn’t come without a catch. Looks like this season’s storyline includes the couple venturing to Oklahoma to visit Mike’s mom. Natalie seems apprehensive to visit Mother Butter since hearing on the Tell All that her Butter-in-Law wanted neighbor Tamara to object at their wedding.
The crystal saleswoman gave her two cents about Mike and Natalie’s awkward relationship, and probably saged the entire building. Hopefully there will be an Uncle Beau appearance at some point this season or else me no accept this.

Out from the depths of  Happily Ever After Hell appeared Elizabeth and Unrrrrei, here to terrorize us with…. Well, themselves. Libby was taking photos of Undrrrrei for his newest venture as a real estate agent. They rehashed their entire love story, including many photos from the era where Undrrreei had man bangs and didn’t realize how far a little pomade and a beard could take him. They even went over their swanky wedding in Moldova, but unfortunately left out the most important part- the baby donkey (All Undrrrei needs to do to sell houses is put that baby donkey on his flyers; SOLD!). 
This season’s storyline seems to be a slight variation on all of the others; Undrrrei using his father in law Chuck for money but this time he’s trying to launch a business. Of course this leaves room for the rest of Family Elizabeth to have their doubts, and claim he’s being a bigger user than Moohammit. A showdown with Charlie seems inevitable. Breastfeeding in the pool also seems inevitable. Could those two things possibly happen at the same time? Uncertain.
Undrrrei had a lunch meeting with Big Chuck for the Mother Asuelu-style shakedown to the tune of $100k, so he could put his picture on some bus stop benches to sell houses. I think Chuck said no…. (I’m not sure, I was really distracted by his combover flapping in the breeze). After reminding Undrrrrei that he knows nothing about business and is generally pretty lazy, Chuck agrees to help him, based on the stipulation that he first comes to work for the family business and learns the ropes. Of course this is a segway into the tension with the rest of the family, who are all involved in the business together.  #Bringbackthebabydonkey

It was a hot(tub) minute since we last saw Brandon and Julia and it looks like they’re enjoying married life thus far. After going over the timeline of their relationship and all of their giddy moments, they discussed taking a little time away from the farm to head to fabulous Las Vegas (maybe a little double date with Coltee and Vanessa? Maybe a romantic unicycle ride with David? Maybe searching under the couch cushions for The Williams with Yolander? Finding some M*thaf*ckin crack’ with Goddess Tracey??? Whatever happens there, will stay there, or I go to Russia.)
Approximately 5 minutes into their Vegas Vacation, Julia already dreams of trading in the farm life for the bright lights and big city. She brings up the idea of moving to Brandon, who is more concerned with having to switch his bug squishing permission slip over state lines, as he would have to get recertified in desert bugs, which are probably a lot scarier. Julia seems to be pretty serious about not returning to the farm life, which I’m guessing will be their entire story. Also, Brandon’s umbilical cord only barely reaches Las Vegas, so I’m sure they’ll bring up Betty sooner than later. 

Welcome back to Kalani and Asuelu, who’s frozen yogurt endeavors have proved to be quite lucrative, as the couple is going house hunting. As they backtracked down memory lane, Asuelu gushed about the driving force behind his attraction to Kalanil; her giant “pom-poms” (for me it’s her princess hair). Kalani toured the model house with the realtor, as Asuelu and their two boys had fun jumping on the staged bed, destroying the duvet and decorative pillows’ strategic pillow chop. The couple discussed their difficulties within their marriage, which seemed pretty doomed last season. However, they feel like moving into their own space and away from Kalani’s family will give them a fresh start and alleviate some tension in their relationship. Kalani’s sister Kolini popped in via video chat to let her know that her lease is up, and she plans on coming to Utah to stay in the family’s house and join in on making Asuelu feel even more uncomfortable. She doesn’t seem to have much faith in Kalani’s rehoming plan to save her marriage, and thinks her sister should either “Love It, or List It”. 
I’m just hoping Asuelu dances a lot this season…it’s my favorite. If he danced while Uncle Beau sang Free Bird it would be even more my favorite. 

Looks like there will be a few other familiar faces joining next week, with the return of Yara and BonJovi with their new baby, and Tiffany and Ronald from “The Other Way”. Meemaw>Everyone.