90 Days of Our Lives; S8 Tell All Part 1

Well, if you ask me, there was only one Tell All and that was Stephanie’s Sofa Saga.
But if I’m supposed to recap the other one, then here goes…

Mike and Natalie showed up separately and there was obviously trouble in Squim paradise. Andrew waddled in right after his audition for the new Game of Thrones, wearing this floppy mismatched outfit with clashing prints and colors. Natalie finally sashayed into the green room wearing a dramatic pashmina shawl with her signature 1000 yard stare as she almost audibly ignored Big Mike. Her blatant hatred for him gave him such a cold chill that his nipples could be seen through his sateen stretch woven dress shirt that only gets taken out of his stinky closet once a year for a special occasion. (WOW this recap is starting to sound like a bizarre-o world J. Peterman Catalogue).
Natalie strutted purposefully out of the room to slip into her red dress with the tall red “wings” in the back, making her look even more 90’s Lifetime movie villainess than ever. She returned, speaking with Yara in Russian, referring to Rebecca as a bitch and letting her know that she would retaliate if necessary (okay, I didn’t hate that. I thought Rebecca needed to take a few seats down during the Tell All. As the old adage goes; “Those who live in glass Georgia Detention Centers shouldn’t throw stones”).
Shaun had a bedazzled face shield, because fashion, as she started the show by letting everyone know that Stephanie and Daddy Ryan would not be joining the evening’s festivities (Me no accept this.)
Shaun rehashed the whole Natalie/Mike wedding debacle, asking Mike to explain in depth his side of the story. He claimed that he felt a lot of pressure and needed to go out for a hike…. At 4am the night before the wedding, without his phone, probably hoping the aliens would beam him up and away. Noticing that the big guy was missing, Natalie claimed to call Uncle Beau and Tamara, who assured him he was probably throwing himself a bachelor party somewhere. Natalie, clearly not understanding the concept of a “Tell ALL” said she didn’t want to talk about. 

Yara and Jovi were up next, discussing their lives as new parents. Shaun wasted no time bringing up the strip club incident, blindsiding Yara who went from clinging tightly to her new husband, to pushing him away, claiming to be cold (could have just been a chill from Natalie). Apparently Yara has better things to do than watch 90 Day Fiancé, so this was all news to her. Gwen, Mother Jovi, popped in to let Jovi know she was disappointed in his actions, and announced that he’s been on a virtual bachelor party for the better part of 10 years.
Yara seemed to accept that Jovi likes beer and strippers, while Julia defended the strip club scene, though simultaneously threatened Brandon’s life if he ever decided to try it out (they wouldn’t let him in anyway, he looks like he’s 14).  Julia went on to talk about her hatred of the farm life, as well as Betty’s rules. Betty and Ron discussed their stance on the laws of their land. Julia confessed that the farm chores were not Betty and Ron’s rules, but rather something she did willingly (though reluctantly and begrudgingly) to help Brandon, since he would have to do the chores after a long day of work. 
They also discussed Betty calling the gyno about getting Julia on birth control, explaining that she thought she was helping, as the couple mentioned they were not ready for children and the doctor would be able to explain all of Julia’s options for preventing little Brulias at the moment. Mike weighed in on the “birds and bees”, giving one of his deep philosophical messages like “Ya know, new love, Stickin’ it in places and stuff comin’ out and stuff ya know?”, leaving everyone confused. Julia admitted that the couple was not ready for kids, being that they already had a dog baby who consumed their attention, and hopefully Mike’s deep thoughts hit home.
The attention then went back to the Squim representatives, as Mother Butter and Neighbor Tamara joined in. Tamara dressed for the occasion with her blue bottom eyeliner, as she denied giving Natalie the intel that Mike was at a bachelor party during the time he mysteriously went missing. Mother Mike had no problem letting it be known that she felt her son’s relationship was doomed and that Natalie is a very jealous person. She claimed that Mike had called her the week before the wedding confiding that he was contemplating calling things off, giving Natalie a consolation prize of a ticket home and some snack money (Stop trying to be Stephanie…). Butter Mom felt it was all for the best, as the couple were always fighting and seemed miserable. She felt it was unfair that Natalie was trying to change Mike from day one and that the two weren’t on the same page about anything. Rebecca seemed to have offered up a lot of advice, conveniently forgetting the pigtails situation 2021. After the tough questioning, the segment broke for lunch where it was like a high school cafeteria; Different cliques sat together at the lunch tables, leaving Warlock Andrew off by himself. Natalie remained silent as she ate her carrot in the corner, giving Mike the silent treatment before putting on her face shield and whooshing off into the distance (I wonder if she catered the lunch from her cooking show…)

It was finally time for Rebecca and Zied, and Shaun led in about Rebecca looking soo maach great (clearly leaving her greazy hair out of the equation…probably because Andrew was there for comparison). Rebecca went on about her recent plastic surgery with Zied occasionally chiming in with “so perfect so gourjezzz”. 
While on the subject of nipping and tucking, Natalie chimed in about wanting to get a nose job, while Yara admitted she had already been there/done that in an attempt to get rid of her “potato nose”. Yara continued to preach about the magic of plastic surgery, while Julia claimed that people should just go to “the gym club” if they aren’t happy with themselves (And all this time I had no idea L.A. Fitness did nose jobs…). Yara really drilled Julia, claiming that she’s just being a judgey Betty 2.0, while Hazel chimed in for the first time with her subtitle reading *faint laughter*, reminding everyone that she was still on the show.  Zied admitted that he has been thinking of getting a tummy tuck to melt away the pizza he so maach loves so perfect in America (though he’s in Georgia, soo mach papa johns. I from New York. Me no accept this.). Rebecca’s daughter Tiffany floated on in with her husband Micah, who had cabbage patch doll hair. Shaun discussed the scene where Tiffany’s friend Hannah offered to help Zied move the furniture into the GDC (Georgia detention center) with Ruuubekah maintaining that Hannah was hitting on her man. Tiffany strongly disagreed, claiming that Hannah was being helpful and friendly, and that her mom is obviously overreacting. The mother daughter duo bickered back and forth with Rebecca looking more insecure than ever. Not going to lie, so mach boring this couple do sexy so mach. And that’s all I have to say about that.

The Part One Tell all rounded out with Amira in lingerie and a lot of makeup news only agreeing to talk if she doesn’t have to see or speak with Andrew. The producer told Andrew (in front of the rest of the cast of course for maximum dramatic effect), that he needed to leave for Amira to film. He decided that it wasn’t fair and he wanted to go home. He swooshed his hair off the stage, requesting a cab back to the hotel, looking like he smelled like a gym sock. What a cliffhanger! The preview shows Amira preparing for a panic attack, while Jovi calls them both out on their BS story. Looking forward to everyone calling out Andrew and Amira on Part Two, but more importantly…. Go watch Stephanie’s Tell All. It was very informative and there were pigtails. Also, I will be going LIVE on my FB page tonight (Tuesday) at 9:30PM EST to discuss all of this ridiculousness. No Ryans, only cousin Harrises allowed.