90 Days Of Our Lives; S8, EP 14

Stephanie & Ry- I mean, Cousin Harris:
Stephanie wakes up on yet another day in cabana paradise, heading downstairs to see Cousin Harris. She profusely thanked him for his service, which included staying over to “comfort” her amidst all of the drama with her former fiance as of 48 hours ago; Daddy Ryan. She sat down to check in with her office back home and learned that Ryan’s mother had supposedly tried contacting her at work as she was unable to reach her son for a few days (though he was probably just out pawning the doo-rags). Stephanie went overboard telling her employees to block everyone in Ryan’s family except for her favorite cousin. Wanting to unwind from all of this stress, she leans into Harris, telling him to plan a super special fun filled day for the two of them, and to put it on her tab. Harris, eager to jump into his new role (which will appear on IMDB as “Belizean Finance number 2”) accepted his mission and planned a romantic lunch at the resort.
Stephanie prepped for her day-date by sprucing up her shabby adult pigtails, which went nicely with her “Grown up Punky Brewster on Xanax” look she seemed to be going for; a tie dyed t-shirt dress and red platform sandals she bought from a Spice Girls estate sale. She topped off with a mist of hairspray, as not to disturb the pigtails, and headed to a water hut for a private lunch. 
Cousin Harris really knocked it out of the park, making sure to have Stephanie’s favorite wine on hand in mass quantities, as she explained she was more interested in guzzling the wine than swirling and sniffing. Seeing that Stephanie was feeling pretty buzzed, he thought it would be the best time to drop the L word and tell Stephanie he now “loves” her and is ready to “be with her body forever”, because- romance. Stephanie seems pleased to hear that Harris is DTF (Down To Fiancé) and feels like he should have been the chosen cabana boy all along. She claims that this fling with cousin Harris is her last chance at love and figures “what the hey! When in Belize!”
Clearly lunch was a big success, because in the next scene, Harris and Stephanie were in matching bathrobes in bed with even more wine, ready to take things to the next level….(which in Stephanieland means meeting her private psychic, Maria). Though he was sweating bullets, Harris answered each question Maria had asked fairly openly, claiming he was ready to voyage to Michigan and work very hard as Stephanie’s personal landscaper/ bodyguard/ companion. The psychic seemed to like Harris’ eyes and felt he had good intentions, despite her concerns about his baby mama and three kids. Harris must have mailed her a coconut to get on her good side, because she decided to approve him, which means he may be Michigan-bound. Harris, may the odds be ever in your favor. 

Mike & Natalie:
Meanwhile, back in Squim….
Mike was wearing an XXXL face mask fit for Frankenstein as he demonstrated life during a pandemic. Obviously the virus had caused changes in the couples’ wedding plans, as now no one is permitted to attend. Natalie called her mother crying, explaining that she would not be able to attend since Ukraine had closed its borders, and she feels very alone in the Squim wilderness. Of course Natalie’s mother (the original “Positive Gangster”) told her to cheer up, and everything will be fine. Natalie also spoke to her friend Svetlana about her upcoming pond-side nuptials, bubbling with excitement though she was sad that her friend wouldn’t be able to attend.
The night before the wedding, Mike was grilling up some cow crap patties (if you’re interested in making these, please tune into Natalie’s cooking porn show) for a romantic pre wedding dinner at the ole Big Mike homestead. They both sat at the kitchen table eating their cow pies, and washing them down with a glass of green sludge, while sitting amongst bunny décor from JoAnn Crafts that still had the tags attached. Things seemed to be going well for them, though they admit it has been a rocky road. They are a bit bummed that they are foregoing the traditional wedding fanfare, so they had a little impromptu DIY bachelorette party with the Magic Mike XXXXL of the Squim chapter giving Natalie a lap dance that even JOVI would be jealous of! It looked like they were finally in a good place and Uncle Beau even had his best leather jacket oiled up for the occasion.
However, the next time we saw Natalie, she was crying in hysterics as she called her wedding officiant to cancel. Apparently Big Mike had changed his mind last minute and decided he couldn’t go through with the wedding after all (Maybe it was the food poisoning from the crap patties that changed his mind?)  A completely distraught Natalie cried her googly eyes out as she packed her clothes from the dresser and stench closet, making sure to wing anything of Mike’s that was in her way. Their neighbor, Tamara agreed to drive her to the airport, as she empathized with both parties involved. We don’t yet know the exact tipping point from the big guy himself, but apparently some time after the lap dance, he started to have major cold giant feet and cancelled the wedding with only 3 days left on Natalie’s Visa. Aside from the regular heartache of a breakup, Natalie is also panicking because Ukraine has closed its borders and she is now flying randomly to Europe during a pandemic, without a place to live.(I hear Serbia is nice this time of year!)  I’m not even sure how the Positive Gangster will spin this one!

Yara & Jovi:
Jovi slinked back from the strip club and attempted to climb into bed with an annoyed Yara, who was concerned about the germs on his pants getting on the bed (don’t get the black light, Yara. Those pants may have a story to tell). Jovi, having gotten home two hours later than his intended curfew, was now way too tired to pack and attempted to slide into bed in his underoos. 
The next morning the couple was heading to Las Vegas for their wedding, though Yara was more pissed off than her usual. She claimed to not want to hear Jovi’s voice or look at him, as he did a terrible job of sucking up (maybe he could buy her a Google watch since he got her the new iPhone last time he did something stupid). Yara, being pregnant and in a foreign country, felt alone and unhappy, uncertain if she wanted to go through with the wedding. Hopefully Jovi will be able to win her over and we can watch them get married by Elvis next week. 

Rebecca & Zied:
Rebecca and Zied were sitting in their now FURNISHED apartment, discussing their upcoming wedding. Rebecca is annoyed (in her stained sweatshirt) that Ramadan is interfering with her wedding timeline, and they will now have to get married with a week’s notice. Zied seemed unphased, noting that they can have a real wedding at a later date, but Rebecca still felt like being so mach annoyed. More importantly than all of that nonsense, the long awaited furniture was a mixture of traditional grandma dining room meets Wayfair’s particleboard mid century, but anything beats the lonely minimalist shopping cart motif. 
And now let’s discuss Rebecca’s pigtails…..I’m not entirely sure why pigtails were the theme of the episode, but Rebecca’s were even worse than Stephanie’s, as they were about 4” higher up on her head and looked like floppy red dog ears. Rebecca was so consumed with her pigtails that she somehow misplaced her engagement ring. 
She frantically searched her apartment complex parking lot, explaining that her ring is extra special because it was given to her in the sa-HAWR-uh desert. She was so worried about finding her ring that she interrupted Zied’s video games to yell at him…. All while still sporting the pigtails . Zied didn’t care so maach about the ring, and was expressionless as usual while Rubekkah flung the couch pillows in desperation, searching for her saHAWRuh treasure. (I’ll let Jovi take a shot every time she says “saHAWRuh”..I won’t even get mad). Frustrated with Zied’s lack of enthusiasm, she decided to head over to her daughter Tiffany’s house to vent. Tiffany of course has been skeptical of her mother’s young middle eastern guy fetish all along, and tried to make her mother think twice before rushing into marriage. As if the deadpan fiance and missing engagement ring weren’t enough, Rebecca also told Tiffany that she tried on her wedding dress only to realize that it doesn’t fit (Too much hot chicken!). All of this was starting to feel like what the kids call “bad vibes”, and I think at this juncture it would be wise to call Psychic Maria (I hear she gives a 15% discount to pigtailed women in their 50’s marrying 27 year old fiances if you go on Tuesday). 
Tiffany is annoyed that her mom is acting like a preteen in both hair and behavior, and wishes she would slow her roll with the wedding. Me no accept the pigtails!

Andrew & Amira:
Amira was having a great time alone in her hotel room in Serbia, but unfortunately her stay was  disturbed by some pesky rioting. Apparently due to the riots, all room service has been suspended until further notice so she must forage for food- half Naked and Afraid. She wandered the streets in Serbia, all alone(with a camera crew), noting all of the graffiti and debris (there did also appear to be random people walking around calm and happily, but still…). To further prove her concern, she even showed the old elevator she had to use to get to her hotel room (though it looked like most NYC apartment building elevators. I remain unimpressed). Amira claimed that Andrew has barely been available to talk to her during this time, due to his membership at the Babysitter’s Club. 
Andrew must have gotten a break from Paw Patrolling, as he finally had time to video chat. He checked in with Amira about her upcoming flight, making sure she had everything she needed. Somehow this segued into the topic of children, and Amira admitted that she didn’t feel Andrew was father material. Though you’d think this was a pre-Serbia/pre-detention center conversation, I guess it was fine to have only days before her flight and their pending marriage. Amira feels that Andrew needs to change his behavior before little Amirdrews are even a thought. (They’d definitely have a lot of hair, and day care would be cheap!)
After the conversation, Andrew was hanging out with his mom discussing his nervous anticipation of Amira’s arrival. He also explained that they have been fighting, due to the fact that Amira feels he’s an angry person who wouldn’t yet be a good father. Mother Andrew pushes him to think twice about his marriage plans (but probably because she wants the daycare tuition, even at a discounted rate). 
Previews for next week show that Amira is having such a great time in Serbia that she doesn’t even bother to get on the plane to America. Goodbye, Sephora!

Team Tarzel:
The dream team met up with Tarik’s friend Angela to discuss their wedding details. Hazel was quiet and awkward as Angela pressed her to find out the inside scoop. Hazel admitted that she has lost trust with Tarik due to his sneaky talk with “Menty”, as well as talking to yet another woman, who Tarik claimed to be friends with for 8 years. He tried explaining to Angela that there was nothing going on with the other women (All while wearing his Thailand t-shirt). Angela broke it down for him, explaining that he shouldn’t be doing anything that makes Hazel feel uncomfortable (especially chatting with people he has met on creepy Asia specific dating sites).
Feeling bad about his fetish for talking to other women that weren’t Hazel, Tarik decided to make a surprise date night at home to prove his dedication. He set up a blanket on the living room floor with candles and fondue, put on his best powder blue tux and spread rose petals all over (Not gonna lie, I just kept thinking about if  Hazel was going to be the one to have to vacuum them up afterwards. I hate vacuuming more than I like “ambiance”). Hazel came down the staircase giving us a view of Tarik’s awful wall decor of mirrors placed very closely to paintings of seashells (Is it a metaphor? Is it saying “i SEA you”? Did he just get lazy? Why are they so close together?Was this suggested by the psychic center?). The romantic gesture seemed well received, as the couple agreed to be honest with each other and made up. Tarik re-proposed to Hazel, doing a much better job than Mike did last week…( he didn’t even say “Oy vey” or roll his eyes once).They ate their fondue on the carpeting and enjoyed their stain-filled fire hazard of an evening. The End.