90 Days Of Our Lives; S8, EP 11

Brandon & Julia:
While taking a joy ride outside of the farm limits, Julia lets Brandon know that she has been experiencing nausea. In the mornings. Kind of like a sickness. These symptoms paired with the couples’ lax stance on birth control are causing them to question if a little Brulia or Juliandon is on board. Brandon has the genius idea that the couple should let his parents know how Julia is feeling as soon as possible, in case she is in fact pregnant with a new little farm hand. Of course Julia thinks she should take a pregnancy test before having the “I guess you didn’t drain everything out of the hot tub” conversation with Betty, knowing full well she will have the OBGYN on speed dial. Brandon convinces Julia that telling his parents before finding out if there is even anything to tell is a great idea, and that game night is just the right time to do it. 
Amidst a rousing game of Jenga (and during Ron’s turn, none the less….sabotage), Brandon spills the beans about the possible pregnancy. Though they were concerned and glad the “kids” felt open enough to talk to them, Ron couldn’t believe Brandon and Julia had said anything before taking a pregnancy test (Kind of like the rest of us). Betty got her “told ya so” moment, reminding the troubled non-teens that they were too cool for birth control. Brandon tried blaming the possible pregnancy on Julia and her raging hormones/ opposition to “drinking medicine”, but his parents concluded that it takes 2 to tango (as they held up a black light to the hot tub..)

Brandon came home from work the next day with a pregnancy test in hand and passed it off to Julia. She headed into the bathroom, and the camera crew resisted the temptation of filming the door handle like they had last time with Yara. The couple chatted nervously, trying to think of a gameplane in the event that the test comes back positive, without much luck.
After a few minutes, Julia finally asked “What does 2 lines mean??” Causing Brandon to go into panic mode. Luckily she was able to tell him she was just kidding before he was able to get to his parents’ bedroom to tattle on Julia. The couple both breathed sighs of relief, knowing the timing was not right for a baby, and if the test was positive, they’d never be allowed to sleep in the same room again. 
They had a sit down meeting with Ron and Betty who were anxiously awaiting the test results. Ron commanded that Julia be the one to reveal the results, probably because Brandon, being the little wisenheimer that he is, would take the opportunity to prank them. They were happy to hear that Julia was just nauseous due to the regular farm scents and the fact that there are crickets in the kitchen. Hopefully next week Betty will buy them cute matching chastity belts with their names on them. 

Stephanie & Daddy Ryan & a Cabana Boy:

Well, episode 11 is about to get “more stupider”… Hold on to your doo rags…
We caught back up with the couple during their explosive resort fight, where Ryan was seen walking away from the love nest with Stephanie screaming in his general direction. It seemed as though she was finally getting “the ole’ 1-2” that she had asked for, but (and please read this in in her voice) “he pulled the ole’ switcherooni!!” and either removed or did not at all use a magical glow stick condom that she had so conveniently supplied. Of course this did not worry Stephanie in a Brandon/Julia way, but only because she doesn’t trust him and doesn’t know where he’s been sticking his (also please read in her voice) “thingamajiggy in a buncha strange puzzamacalls-its”…..It’s how “the kids” talk these days.
Anywho, Ryan has reached his crazy limit (or heard that there is in fact no 8 Mile Eminem tour in Michigan and therefore lost interest in going) and decided to head out. While such an act is extremely violating and no laughing matter, one might argue that it shouldn’t be followed up with a monologue of “Now I’m gunna have to find a cabana boy” if they are worried about spreading the clap. 
Stephanie went back inside, telling the producers that while they were in the middle of “the whole magic show” she had heard Ryan “crinkle crinkle crinkle” the wrapper of the “glow worm”. She then announced on the record that she “asked him for lubricant”, figuring the condom was giving her road rash instead of a variety of fast-acting STDS, but to her surprise, Ryan confessed that he had only opened the condom and placed it on the bed for decoration. Unfortunately this news ended the “magic show” early, without even enough time for a rabbit to pop out of somewhere special or anyone to be sawed in half. 
A distraught Stephanie sat on the loveseat of her cabana, promising to be done with Ryan for good. She contemplated finding a cabana boy that she could shower with gifts of knock off Adidas slides and skull paraphernalia who would appreciate her and wear his glow stick as commanded. She tried chalking all of this up to “2020”, proclaiming that the cursed year could “eat her ass”, as she sulked on the couch planning her next move.
All of the sudden, she realized that Ryan could have taken her mother’s ring that he was supposed to use to propose to her, like she had instructed. She frantically checked the villa, talking to herself all the while, saying that her mother’s ring was the only thing she cared about and prayed that he hadn’t stolen it out of spite. Miraculously she found it in her small beaded purse (she probably never gave it to him in the first place, let’s be honest). She called Daddy Ryan on the phone to calmly thank him for not stealing her ring, and once more inquired as to why he didn’t wear his glow in the dark wrapper as she had asked. He tried talking, but was overpowered by Stephanie’s theatrics, as she flailed on the bed, slapping her phone, screaming things like “Ooooh Lord take me now! Of course it’s always Stephanie!!”. Ryan eventually hung up, leaving Stephanie to do the only logical thing anyone in this situation would do; Call cousin Harris. As luck would have it, he picked up and promised to come over the next day, since Stephanie claimed to need a good, solid….. Friend.
She then started to question her decision making, so she called her lifeline; Psychic Maria. After Stephanie recanted the details of the evening, Maria tried to emphasize how bad Ryan really is, and the fact that Stephanie needs to move on. In regards to the Cousin Harris situation, Maria explains that Harris also had ulterior motives, though he was seemingly more sincere than Ryan. She also told Stephanie that if she was playing “Who would you rather be trapped on a desert island with” amongst the two suitors, she’d pick Cousin Harris. Unfortunately, all Stephanie heard was “Pick Cousin Harris”, and next week- it’s glow stick time. 

Big Mike & Natalooshka:

Meanwhile, back in Squim…
Mike and Natalie have almost run out of new reasons to hate each other, so they decided to circle back to an old reason from their last “Tell All” episode. Natalie had thought that Mike was unfaithful when he slept at his female best friend’s house the night before she was getting married, as he was the best man. Natalie had called Mike on the morning of the wedding and he answered the video call topless, half stoned, and with his friend in the background on her way into the shower. Since then, Natalie has attributed Mike’s palpable disinterest for her to this incident, and claims she has had trust issues ever since. She decided to do a one on one therapy session via satellite with a random mental health counselor, Rachel, who encouraged Natalie to find out if Mike and his BFF had ever been together romantically.

While Mike was sitting leisurely in his lazy boy, brushing the cat, Natalie took the opportunity to bring up her distrust, not in any way shape or form like the counselor had advised, I’m sure. Mike claimed that he had been truthful and faithful to his boingy bride-to-be, and that she is just making up reasons to be annoyed with him instead of working on their issues. The fight got more intense when Natalie announced that she is “more beautiful” than Mike, leading him to call her “ugly on the inside”. While wearing his Bluetooth earpiece (and also possibly listening to a Tony Robbins seminar).
Needless to say, things are looking pretty grim in Squim. 
Sad instrumental music played as we next saw Big Mike and Nataloonie walk along the shore. Natalie opened another one of their award winning chats by talking about the trouble with their communication and trust issues. She recommended that they see the couples counselor again, but Mike feels like it’s not a couple thing… It’s a Natalie thing. She asked for her ring back so she can feel more secure in the relationship, but no such luck (Ryan already pawned it… oops, wrong story). Natalie felt manipulated, as she cried by the shoreline, waiting for Mike to comfort her, but he instead sat on a beach log. 

Can’t wait to see where they will talk about how much they can’t stand each other next week! We’ve already done the forest and now the shore…. Perhaps a cave? Or possibly a ravine (that they can both be pushed into)?? 

Yara & BonJovi:

We are back in the Uber on the way to the happyish new couple’s engagement party, listening to them bitch at each other all the way. When they arrived at the venue, Jovi ascended the staircase with Yara on his arm and a beer in his hand. His friends and family were all there waiting, as Mother Jovi beamed with pride. Yara was surprised by the amount of people who were there, being that Mother Jovi told her it was a small party, but she seemed to be enjoying herself and appreciated the efforts and decor. Parents Jovi watched with love, stating their confidence in the couple as they watched them awkwardly slow dance from a distance (luckily out of earshot so they didn’t hear Yara telling Jovi how much she hates him). 

Yara told Jovi she thought they should share the pregnancy news with his parents, so they wouldn’t think she was weird or standoffish (even though she was like that pre pregnancy). Jovi escorted his parents to a table off to the side of the party where the four all sat down together. While Yara was happily scarfing down some andouille sausage or jambalaya-like substance, Jovi told his parents there was a baby on board.  The Parents Jovi seemed really excited, though shocked that everything had happened so fast. (I wonder if Mother Jovi had known in advance if she would have gotten them one of those cool New Orleans cakes with the baby inside…. Or is that not for having babies, just eating them?)

After swearing the future grandparents to secrecy with the big news, they all headed back to the party where Jovi seemed to be working the room (well, mostly the bar), leaving Yara alone to try and mingle amongst his friends and family. Even Jovi’s friends brought his drinking to Yara’s attention, which made her even more annoyed than usual. She pulled a drunkjovi out of the party to discuss her feelings, but he didn’t seem to want to hear it anymore, since she’s basically been complaining since she landed. At least the party was nice… hope Mother Jovi gave out Tums and barf bags as party favors (the Tums are for the ragin’ cajun food.. The barf bag is for Jovi). 

Team Tarzel:

Team Tarzel decide this week that they’re going to hop off of the riding mower and do a video call with Tarik’s friend Angela. After a bit of small talk, Hazel admits to Angela that the couple is planning to thrupple. Angela seems taken aback, thinking this was all Tarik’s idea, and that they should take the time alone to get to know each other before bringing another person into the mix. Hazel admits that adding another lady to their lives is all her idea and Tarik is just along for the ride. Angela points out that they may be inviting trouble into their relationship, as jealousy seems like a common side effect of this type of situation. The only thing that could have made this segment interesting would have been if they called the other Angela (of Angela and Michael) to get her input as well. 

Rebeca & Zied:

Rebecca and Zied are taking a road trip so Zied can meet her son Brandon and his family. During the car ride, Rebecca brings up the awkward dinner from the night before, where she was chaperoning Zied and his peers (and hopefully helping them sneak into an R rated movie afterwards). She didn’t think Zied understood that the blonde girl from last week was, in her opinion, flirting with him. She decided to lay down the law and let Zied know that if ANY woman under ANY circumstances wants to talk to him, or help,  JUST SAY NO.
Zied so mach understand this, and it seemed like they were able to squash the insecurity issue then and there. Zied admitted that the blondie was cute, but he so much loves Rebecca so beautiful forever so perfect.
They finally arrived at Rubeccckah’s son Brandon’s homestead, which I thought would be much nicer, being that he’s famous (Isn’t he the guy who played Dwight’s brother Moes on The Office??). 
The grandkids seemed pretty unenthused to see “GG” (Rebecca’s token grandma name) and their new Peepaw Zied, who was stuffed into some red athletic pants this week. Reeebeckuhhh gushed over watching Pappy Zied play with the grandkids, as he awkwardly tossed the ball around with the grandkids, telling them stories from “the old country”.
Rebecca’s daughter in law asked Zied if he wanted to have kids of his own, knowing full well that Rebecca’s baby factory is closed for business. Grampy Zied claims to be okay with not having kids now, which of course scares Rebecca that he may change his mind later. 

After awkward family time, because he was such a good Grand-papa, Reeebekuh took Pappy Zied out for an ice cream treat. They discussed his new title of “Gramps”, which segued into the topic of having children. He explained, in the most Zied-like way, that he is okay and is not thinking of having children, all while still sporting his super badass temporary tattoos. Rebecca informs him that he is not allowed to wake up one day and leave her so he could find someone who is able to “tote” (please no more storylines about toting….). Maybe next week Rebecca can get Zied a new temporary tattoo that says “World’s Greatest Grandpa”.