90 Days of Our Lives; S8, EP 5

Brandon & Julia Gulia:

It’s 4am on the family farm and Brandon is suiting up for an action packed day of bug smushing. He doesn’t have the heart to wake Julia to say goodbye, so he sneaks out to his car to the tune of the rooster crowing. Julia wakes up, sadly looking out her window all alone like orphan Annie, dreading her farm chores at hand. She is joined by Aspen (the lady with the Baby Girl Lisa cat from last week) as they set out to do farm girl things. Though most of the animals scared the living crap out of her, Julia was a great sport about collecting the eggs from the hens, and even jumped into the pigs’ sty (which was in much better shape than Pol & Karine’s previous apartment, though lacking in the stuffed unicorn department).

After her farm chores were finished, Julia had some time to reflect on her new life and responsibilities, feeling as though her first day as a farmhand should also be her last. She spent the rest of the day waiting for Brandon to return from work. When he finally got home, he retreated to his private quarters to presumably change out of his bug-squashing attire, ,and get gussied up for a family dinner. Julia mosied into his room (strike one), and sat on his bed (strike two), to tell him all about her farm woes, and how she’s already thinking of flying the coop. Brandon assured her that things will get better, and that she needs to put everything aside for the night, as they have dinner plans to meet up with his parents and his “Pop Pop”. 

The party of 5 sat down for yet another awkward dinner. Things seemed to start off smoothly, until mama Brandon spotted a hickey on Julia’s neck.Though she should have just blamed it on one of the farm animals, but she very honestly admitted that Brandon was the real culprit. Finally PopPop broke the tension by asking Brandon’s parents to stop embarrassing their son, and even admitted that he’d like to be doing the same thing. The conversation then moved to discussing wedding plans, and Brandon’s parents were shocked to hear the couple had decided on a date. Betty was mad that the date could possibly conflict with Mother’s Day, though it seemed to have been chosen as it was the anniversary of the date that Brandon sent Julia his first creepy email (Betty should be more horrified that he was hitting on gogo dancers on Mother’s Day). Julia began to get frustrated listening to Betty and Ron try to negotiate an alternative date that accommodated their time with Brandon better. And here I sit… with the popcorn…just waiting for Julia to reach her boiling point and unleash some Russian fury.

Big Mike & Natalie:

Meanwhile back in Squim….

Mike and Natalie are pregaming for that future trip to the “crick” to catch a bass by taking a much shorter trip to feed the koi fish in the pond out front. Since this was a very zen and relaxing activity, it seemed only natural to follow it up by shooting off random fireworks, in the daytime, no less. The fireworks seemed to be a major turn off for Natalie, who was very concerned about the fish being scared to death from the noise, instead of watching them go “oh oh oh” as they shoot across the sky…

The next day was Natalie’s first time home alone (cue the Kevin McCallister face…. Okay maybe don’t. She’d look extra crazy doing that one), as Mike went back to work. First on Natalie’s action packed list of activities was doing laundry. She struggled to decipher how to use the machine, as well as what in the world one would use “bleesh” for. (Hoping and praying she doesn’t do anything weird with the bleesh and the cat. Not sure why my mind went there, but I think it’s because I still identify her as a “bunny boiler”). Speaking of the cat, it seemed as though Natalie is still maintaining her status of “dog person”, as she still jumps when the cat gets close to her. Feeling frustrated, she video called her friend back home to vent about her frustrations in adapting to her new life. Besides the cold house and crappy french toast, it seems that Natalie is also unsure of Mike in general. His idea of a good time includes scaring the crap out of some fish, while hers is eating carrots and ruining laundry. How will it ever work?!

After a week alone in the countryside, Big Mike finally made good on his promise to take Natalie to see the beautiful Sasquatch Falls (that’s what they renamed it when he came to town). Mike decided to splurge for a romantic hotel room for the night, since it was cheaper than his current heating bill at the rate Natalie had been going. Since this was a romantic “getaway”, Mike also treated his potential bride-to-be to a nice meal, or so he thought. Natalie, being a vegetarian (and also being Natalie), was disgusted with Mike’s choice of entree; a tomahawk steak (She conveniently gave herself a pass for eating scallops, which may or may not have died from loud fireworks). With each bite he took, Natalie cringed and made comments about changing his diet. She got the big man to compromise, promising to try eating one week off of meat, and one week on (though I’m pretty sure she wanted it to be more Jovi-style; 4 weeks on, 4 weeks off). The show of compromise really put Natalie in a good mood, and the couple continued on their evening making goo-goo eyes at each other, laced with a hint of disgust. 

The next morning, they seemed to be getting along famously, as they playfully laughed and enjoyed the sights of the falls. For the first time since her arrival, Natalie was finally starting to feel like things were falling into place. The two headed over to a brewery for lunch, which Natalie was convinced was a bar. They ordered their respective lunches; Vegetarian black bean burger for her and another meat fest for him, sparking Natalie’s memory from the awkward previous night’s dinner. She reminded Mike about his part time vegetarian pact, which he promised to implement once they were Squim-side. After enjoying their meals, the couple shared a rootbeer float, which Natalie had never had. Though she seemed to really enjoy it, she was convinced by the “beer” portion of the title that Mike was trying to get her to drink, even checking with the waiter to confirm the drink was alcohol-free. They may have different ideas of fun, different tastes in foods, religion, interest in aliens, and goals in life, but why should any of that matter? As long as she’s not being a bleesh…

Stephanie, Ryan, a cousin, uncle, and maybe an innocent bystander:

In my opinion, there was not nearly enough Stephanie in this episode, but at least there was some…

Stephanie’s cousins came to her medi spa to sample some beauty treatments as well as find out the latest installments of the Stephanie does Belize saga. Steph announces that though she and Ryan are engaged, he has never formally proposed (a slight formality), but she will be handing him her mother’s ring so he can symbolically place it on her finger. Or maybe his cousin will…who the hell knows anymore.

Stephanie’s cousins were skeptical about the real depth of the entire relationship, worrying that Ryan could possibly be using her for financial gain as well as a round of free rent for the whole family. Stephanie’s cousins seemed confused as to why Ryan would need so much financial assistance, seeing as he is gainfully employed at a resort. Stephanie, however admits that she had asked the resort owner/personal friend of hers to “pretend” to have Ryan work there, all while she was actually the one paying his salary. She felt this would help boost his self esteem and not feel like he was taking a hand out (which may have worked just fine for him in the first place). Stephanie’s cousins think this is a terrible plan, while I sit and wonder what other crazy things this woman is doing that we don’t yet know about. And I also like that if I get wrinkles from worrying about all of the crazy things she’s doing, that she can remove them. 

BonJovi & Yara:

It seems that the fight from last week put the ball in Yara’s court, as she started this week’s episode by victoriously displaying her new white fluffy rug of victory. Jovi asked queen Yara what else she would like to make her life in the ‘States more comfortable, which seemed to be a penthouse for 27 million dollars, and to be best friends with any or all of the Kardashians while living in L.A. (technically, she IS living in LA…. She should have been more specific). After Yara continued ragging on N’orleans, Jovi decided that the best way to stop her complaining would be to give her a new Iphone. It seemed to do just the trick, as her mood immediately shifted, and she seemed to be happy for the first time in the last 5 episodes. 

Later the couple headed out for dinner, where they discussed Jovi’s upcoming work trip and Yara’s new life alone in America. Jovi’s mother Gwen had volunteered to check in on Yara while Jovi was away so she wouldn’t feel all alone, though Yara would only agree to see her in the house (and presumably without shoes near her new rug). Things got a bit emotional at dinner, when Yara disclosed her lingering feelings of abandonment from a previous incident, when Jovi had left her in a foreign country, after miscarrying their baby. The couple went back and forth mitigating the details of the event, with Jovi siting that he returned to work, not knowing the extent of the situation and the fact that Yara would need surgery after the miscarriage, but Yara maintained that he just left her. He seemed to genuinely feel bad about the past, and was willing to make things right moving forward……after he gets back from 4 weeks on. Then he gets 4 weeks off. 

Team Tarzel:

It was the couples’ first day out on the town, as Tarik decided to take Hazel out for a little brunch. They reached a brunch spot called “Hair of the Dog”, which confused Hazel, since she was not in the mood for dog hair, and would much rather sit in the corner with her carrot. After Tarik worked hard to convince her that there were more hypoallergenic things on the menu, Hazel, who was dressed like a 5 year old girl on picture day, decided to give an American breakfast a try. Tarik ordered half of the menu to try and impress her, though she would’ve been a much cheaper date if he would have stuck to her usual favorite breakfast of rice. 

During their meal, Tarik brought up a venue option for their upcoming wedding. He really liked the idea of holding their wedding ceremony at the “spiritual center”, which is a spiritual yet non religious place one could go to get lost in their deep thoughts…kind of like a conference room at a Hampton Inn, but with the word “spiritual” on the sign, and a crystal knick knack from Home Goods in the corner. After the couple finished their “Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘N Fruity”  (which is ironically the B side to “Hawt Sauzze”) breakfast, Tarik decided to take Hazel to scope out the “A.R.E.” spiritual center to see if she could picture getting married there. The nice guy in the sweaty suit at the information desk gave the couple a tour to see the grounds. Tarik tried to highlight some of his favorite aspects of his religious epicenter, such as a walkable maze, possibly a hopscotch crossword puzzle, and a very spiritual statue of a dolphin on a stick (who hopefully wasn’t scared to death by a loud noise).  Hazel, who is no stranger to eccentric religious institutions, was not loving the idea of tying the knot in front of an old psychic’s couch. Tarik was really hoping she would reconsider, and I’m just hoping he doesn’t write her a wedding rap with a special performance. Well, maybe I would hope for that, depending if it’s an open bar….. Also, I will be holding off on a toaster for them and investing in a rice cooker instead- breakfast of champions. 

Rebecca& Zied:

At first glance, this episode starts off by implying that Rebecca is a homeless person, as she’s pushing around a shopping cart into an empty building with exposed brick. But as it turns out, she had decided against moving in with her daughter, and had rented a luxury “industrial chic” studio apartment for the new couple to call home. Rebecca admitted that she had packed in a hurry and didn’t have much time to clean or organize, hoping that Zied wouldn’t find her moldy dishes so maach disgusting. Rebecca sat down on her pad for a good cry, telling production that while she is excited to have the real Zied staring at her in person instead of all 1000 other Zied themed objects, she knows how torn he is about leaving his family and homeland. 

Back in Tunisia, Zied is heading out to the airport with his family and friends tagging along for the big send off. With his white mock turtleneck and gold wireframe aviator glasses, he seemed ready to set out on his new adventure, though it was painful to say goodbye. Looking forward to seeing them reunite over some hot chicken.