90 Day Fiance; S8, EP 4

BonJovi & Yara:

The scene opens with Ukrainian Complain-O Barbie heckling Jovi yet again about his bad taste in home decor, while plotting her extreme frat-home makeover. The couple decides to hit up a really random consignment/ furniture store to outfit the apartment to meet Yara’s standards. Once at the store, they were greeted by a friendly saleswoman named Laqure who showed them some of her finest blinged out full length mirrors fit for a Ukranian princess. Yara seemed to be enjoying her shopping adventure while BonJovi was ready to say “Thank you very much” and head out. Saleswoman Laqure noticed Jovi’s lack of shopping enthusiasm, though you would have at least thought he would have liked being helped by someone who’s name sounded like “liquor”- his favorite. Yara seemed to be interested in a few items, namely a sparkly rug to match her sparkly mirror, but Jovi was not in the mood to have his entire pad chick-ified. He was rolling his eyes, repeatedly stating he wanted to leave, and then finally put his foot down that he would not have an ugly sparkly rug in HIS house. Of course this made Yara very upset, as she felt so alone in a new country with only Jovi to depend on, and now felt like it was not really their joint apartment. Yara got frustrated and stormed out of the store, while Laqure encouraged Jovi to follow her and apologize (she’s both a great saleswoman and like a lost audience member of the Ricki Lake show, all rolled into one). Yara felt like Jovi’s attitude sucks (takes one to know one) and explained to him that she is just trying to maintain a sparkly aesthetic to go with her sparkling personality. The couple had a miserable Uber ride back to their miserable apartment, fighting over who’s taste was worse. Man they’re perfect together!

When they arrived at home, Bon Jovi finally started to see things from Yara’s side, noting that she is all alone and just trying to adapt. He eventually apologized, and they hugged it out, as he let her throw out his secondhand bachelor pad furniture while making fun of his taste yet again. It seems as though he wants to lay her down in a bed of roses, while tonight he sleeps on a bed of nails…
They seemed to have made up for the time being, though I’m sure there will be another fight any minute now. 

Brandon & Julia Gulia:

It was finally time for the family of four to head back to the Dinwiddie farm. As D.C. became farther and farther in the rearview, Julia began to notice less big buildings and a whole lot more nothin’ outside of the car window. She started to get nervous about her new and different lifestyle out in the countryside. Upon arriving at the old family farmstead, Julia became emotional seeing the “Welcome Home” sign that Ron and Betty had put up in her honor. She seemed to be excited to take the grand tour, though not as excited about petting and feeding the farm animals. She was worried the horse was going to chomp off her finger, that the chicken was going to peck out her eyes for being an eggbeater, that the goats and sheep were gnawing on her gogo boots, and just the sight of the pig sent her running with fear.  Mother Betty seemed to be getting a kick out of this episode of “Farm Fear Factor”,  but wanted to drive home the point that Julia chose the #farmlife, and her farm chores start bright and early in the morning. Brandon stood by quietly, trying to assure Julia that everything would be fine, even though he seemingly had a crap stain on the back of his jeans just thinking about how mad she’d be that he hadn’t settled the whole sleeping arrangement situation. A family friend/ fellow animal lover dropped by to welcome Julia to the humble abode, while holding her hairless cat wrapped in a towel (who bore a striking resemblance to Baby Girl Lisa, specifically on Day 3 in Nigeria).  

Continuing on the tour of Old MacBrandon’s farm was the inner sanctum of the house. Julia got to see Brandon’s big boy bedroom, fully stocked with a bowl full of Hersey kisses and condoms on the bedside table, which the entire family got a good chuckle out of (not…weird…AT ALL…..). Julia’s private bedroom paled in comparison, as there were left over odds and ends on the floor, and it seemed shabbily put together. Julia bit her tongue, as the tour moved onwards to the kitchen. Now, the fact that the family had an iguana in the dining area was a lot for most people to handle, but to see an open container of live CRICKETS on the floor in the kitchen?! That would have been my time to exit stage left…that is automatic nightmare territory (and for anyone who frequents my Tuesday FB “LIVES” knows about my personal fear of crickets, though they weren’t Cave Crickets, and could only imagine my panic seeing this poor girl living with a tub full of them…) Luckily, the family does have a built in exterminator, though it looks like he might be taking his work home with him. 

Somehow no one lost their appetite after the cricket ordeal, and the family all sat down together for a steak dinner that Ron prepared. Julia was trying to take it all in, especially when the family held hands to say grace before eating, something she has never done before. She tried to explain that the scary animals and nasty crickets were scaring her, and she would not be able to sleep alone, hoping the parental units would reconsider the sleeping arrangements. Brandon chimed in, plying his father with more wine to try and persuade him to change his mind, but was unsuccessful. If they keep this up, they’re both going in time out. Separately. 

Andrew & Amira:

The time had come for Amira to leave her fairytale home town and live out her Game of Thrones fantasy with Sir Andrew of Daycaresalot. She walked through the empty French airport and boarded her plane to Mexico, where the couple had planned to meet up, expressing her nervousness and excitement. 

Back in California, Andrew’s mother Lori had gotten up bright and early to drive her son to the airport. The mother and son duo discussed what they thought about the relationship as they drove, with Andrew sounding hopeful for them to begin their lives together after a Mexican quarantine-cation. When Andrew arrived in Mexico, he received a disturbing message from Amira’s father that she had been detained upon arrival, and was currently being brought to a detention center. Andrew seemed upset, yet way too calm, and decided the best way to help his fiance would be to go back to the resort and relax, as it had been a stressful day for him personally. Hopefully Andrew is able to use his 4th level dungeon master powers to rectify the situation quickly… poor Amira must be so scared!

Big Mike & Glen Close:

Back in Squim, Natalie awakens in her new ice palace, bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready for French Toast Sunday (It’s like Pancake Sunday, but with French Toast and no Uncle Beau). She assisted Big Mike by washing and scrambling his eggs (while Angela watched in dismay, as all of those perfectly good eggs were being ruined). After Mike explained the intricacies of french toast making (or as Amira would call it back home- “toast making”), Natalie reluctantly gave it a taste test, while making her usual goofy faces and smiling almost impolitely as she explained to Mike that she much preferred healthy foods. After giving up on the french toast, she announced that she’d rather “sit in the corner and eat a carrot” like a pet gerbil. Speaking of carrots…. Natalie announced that eating carrots is her beauty-hack, as it helps her skin without spending money on expensive skincare products, which will be helpful since Mike seems to be able to afford at least one carrot.

Big Mike acknowledged that life in Squim in the Big Man house was going to be a big adjustment for Natalie, and he worried how she would handle things once she was alone while he was off working all day. Some of his suggestions for fun included fishing in a “crick”, and taking a ride around on a bicycle. As they rode into the town, Natalie stared intensely out the window, trying to process what a “crick” was, and hoping it had nothing to do with the crickets in Brandon’s kitchen. She did seem excited to tour the town of Squim, though was disappointed to see it was just a small town with little action. With her boingy hair styled in pigtail braids like a 5 year old, she asked Mike to give her a minute to have a tantrum in a gas station parking lot. He tried to console her, promising to spice things up by taking her to see a beautiful waterfall in two weeks. He’d better sleep with one eye open… she’s about to open up that black luggage with her Misery hobbling kit any minute now…….

Stephanie & her hula hoop:

This is what I’ve been waiting for. This is what reality tv dreams are made of. It’s almost as if Darcey, Stacey, Molly, and a “real housewife” had a baby with Piper from “Orange is the New Black”’s face; that would be Stephanie. At 52 years old, Stephanie is the proud owner of a chain of medi spas as well as a hula hoop champion. While vacationing in Belize she met a 27 year old guy on the beach, wearing a shirt with a blunt on it, and fell madly in love. When Stephanie isn’t hula hooping in her UV anti aging LED sunglasses, she’s busy giving herself shots of the blood of virgins to maintain her youthful glow. Though she has worked hard and achieved success in her professional life, her personal life seems to only include her fluffy cat (who looked as though he could use a few youth serum shots himself). Stephanie explained that she had never previously wanted to get married or have a family, being that she endured a difficult childhood at the hands of her bipolar father (this was a bit heavy for my liking… more ridiculous hula hooping please/thanks). 
Stephanie explained her insecurities in her relationship with Ryan, her much younger fiance, as she always worries about him chatting up other ladies. She has developed a close relationship with her future mother in law (who is NOT her elder as Steph is 5 years older than mammadukes), and often gets in touch with her when Ryan is ducking her phone calls.
While waiting for her friend, the psychic, to come over to her house for her personal reading, Stephanie spoon fed her cat key lime yogurt in front of a painted portrait of the two of them (which is one of the weirdest sentences I’ve ever constructed). Before Stephanie’s tarot card reading could commence, she had a video call from loverboy Ryan. Though the psychic, Maria, was very skeptical of his intentions, she seemed to think Ryan seemed like a likeable person and was looking forward to meeting him once he was stateside. During the tarot reading, Stephanie seemed to have brought on some questionable cards, showing a “snake”, which one would think would obviously represent Ryan. 

Psychic Maria expressed her concerns for Stephanie, as she can sense that Ryan likes attention, and may only be after the gifts Stephanie showers him with (I could have done a psychic reading about this situation with a deck of Uno cards and probably picked up on the same thing, and would’ve only charged $49.95 and one key lime yogurt). Stephanie felt a little guilty for making psychic Maria believe that all of the bad ju-ju cards were based off of Ryan, when she had a secret of her own (of course when she said “but i have a secret of my own” I fully anticipated at least 5 more episode before said secret was revealed. But no! Episode one for Stephanie and she’s pulling out all the stops!) Stephanie confessed that on one trip to Belize, she apparently caught Ryan chatting up random women on his phone. She was rightfully distraught, and was comforted by Ryan’s cousin, Harris, who she then slept with. Harris (who looks like Sojaboy and Azan had a baby), was more of a one hit wonder, and Stephanie kept the one hit wonder a secret when she and Ryan reunited. Psychic Maria told Stephanie that if she is going to bring Ryan here on the K1 Visa and marry him, that she needs to be honest about her “family affair”. This all looks promising.

Rebecca & Zied:

Rebecca hung out on a park bench, using her time away from her chicken slinging wisely, by stalking Zied’s Visa application status incessantly on the website. After refreshing the page 38 times in 5 minutes, she was thrilled to see that her prayers had been answered, and Zied would soon be on her home turf. She called Zied to let him in on the good news, and he was sooo mach happy! I think a nice celebratory gift would be a t-shirt with a picture of the screenshotted Visa Approval, and she should definitely wear it to pick him up from the airport. I love a theme outfit!

Back in Ziedville, Zied is packing all of his Rebecca-themed items and preparing to leave for America. He is of course so mach sad to leave his parents behind, as he has lived with them so mach of his life. That’s kind of all that happened for them this week, and now I’m in the mood for so mach hot chicken.