90 Day Fiance; S8, EP 3

Brandon & Julia Gulia:

Brandon and Julia are so excited to be waking up together in their joint hotel room, out of his mother’s line of supervision. Julia expresses that Brandon needs to speak to his mother about the whole “separate bedroom” house rule, or she refuses to stay in Green Acres and will return to Mother Russia. They didn’t have much time together in the morning, since according to Mother Brandon’s itinerary, it was time for a fun-filled day of double date sight seeing at our nation’s capital. Julia dressed to impress as she got ready to take as many selfies as humanly possible while touring the town. The family Brandon didn’t realize that they would have a 5th wheel for the day…. Julia’s selfie stick. She of course had to use this constantly before meeting/getting engaged to Brandon, who will now be her official Instagram husband. Brandon’s parents even had jokes, poking fun of Julia and her extreme selfie stick usage.

Father Brandon whisked Julia away for a burger date so Brandon could have some alone time with his mom, Betty, to work on trying to change her mind on the separate bedroom rule. His mother explained that it just felt disrespectful for the young couple to be sleeping together in her house, and she feared possibly hearing them consummating their relationship. Brandon tried another angle, telling his mother that if the couple couldn’t be suitemates, Julia would make them move out altogether. Though it was a great strategy, Betty reminded her son that the pest control industry does not seem to be as lucrative as he thinks, as moving out was not financially possible at the moment. It seemed like Betty was pulling an unwavering Randy Jackson “It’s a no from me, dawg”

Julia and Brandon’s father reconvened with Brandon and Betty (who are basically twins) to continue on the tour to see Abraham Lincoln’s laundromat and other exciting things… when Brandon finally stood up and said he had plans of his own. You could almost see Julia’s selfie stick raise a bit as she heard her fiance assert himself for the first time possibly ever. The couple finally got to spend some alone time, and hit up a nice bar/restaurant for dinner. Julia explained her reason for being so adamant about moving out of the house, since she had previously lived with a boyfriend and his parents before (but presumably less german shepherds), and it didn’t end well. She also made it clear to Brandon that she needs to be put first, and that he can no longer let his mother treat him like they auditioned to be on “I Love A Mama’s Boy” any more. Can’t wait to see her on the farm next week!

Tarzel:

It’s finally the big day that the “zel” portion of “Tarzel” is arriving in the U.S. and “Tar” couldn’t be more excited. He met up with yet another female friend, Angela, to help him shop for the perfect Dumb & Dumber inspired powder blue suit to impress Hazel upon her arrival. Though Angela tried to steer him away from such a bold color choice, she underestimated Tarik’s determination to drape himself in Hazel’s favorite color. During the shopping adventure, Angela asked Tarik about the couple’s wedding plans, and if his brother Dean would be invited. Tarik explained that he and his brother Dean (who was on his previous season as well as a “Pillow Talk ” costar) used to be incredibly close, but had since had a fall out after Dean was rude about Team Tarzel. Dean had questioned Hazel’s motives for wanting to marry Tarik, claiming she had ulterior motives. The irony was, that after being so accusatory, Dean essentially did the same thing, by meeting a woman on WhatsApp and moving to Asia himself. It is possible that Dean was just jealous that his brother is with the Phillipina Angelina Jolie, as anyone would be. Angela also asks Tarik about introducing Hazel to his daughter Auri, who has Autism. Tarik explains that it takes a lot of patience to work with his daughter, and he’s hoping that she and Hazel are able to bond and form a successful relationship, since his daughter is his priority. Next to swords and foregin threesomes. 

Tarik waited nervously at the bottom of the escalator and watched in delight when Hazel began to descend. He hugged her, crying, as she took in that powder blue suit in all of its glory. Hazel seemed very excited to finally be in the U.S. though sad to leave her son behind. They arrived at Casa de Tarzel, and Hazel seemed a bit overwhelmed, peering at each room and noting the decor. Other than the fact that she had probably never seen bongos in a living room before (the only bongos she was familiar with were Biniyam’s butt-bongos), she also got to see her first dishwasher. Tarik’s house was not up to Hazel’s standards of cleanliness, and she was already taking a mental note of where to start scrubbing. Tarik notably was more interested in having her check out the bedroom instead of the broom closet. She can hand wash the powder blue suit tomorrow and unload the vegetable cutting sword from the dishwasher in the morning.

Yara & BonJovi:

It’s time for the couple to head down to the Bayou to meet Mother BonJovi. It seemed like everyone was getting along well at first, as Jovi’s mother Gwen welcomed them with a boiling pot of frrrrickesseee (which she said in the same way that Elizabeth would say Undrrrei. Maybe it’s a Moldovan recipe -of course it’s not, there was no meat jello. Okay now I’m imaging crawfish in jello….) ANYWAY, Gwen brought up the whole sleeping arrangements, checking in to make sure Yara would feel comfortable with the idea of a slumber party. Yara explained that she didn’t want to inconvenience her future mother in law, and was resisting sleeping over in fear that her extensions would shed all over the place. Gwen explained to the camera aside that in Cajun culture, you just sleep wherever whenever (a custom I’m guessing Jovi strictly follows, but most likely because he passes out drunk wherever he lands). Jovi had gotten a call from work, letting him know that his next job’s traveling start date had been moved up by possibly 8 days, which would mean he would have to leave Yara sooner than he thought. This of course received a death stare from Yara, who’s level of disappointment has yet to waver since her arrival.

During the family sit down dinner, Gwen moved on to the topic of the couple’s pending wedding, asking if they had an idea of what they would like to do. BonJovi explained that they wanted to run off to Vegas to do the damn thing (…and strippers), and Yara further explained that she didn’t want to have a big, family style wedding since her mother wouldn’t be able to be there. Gwen seemed to understand, but also expressed that she wanted to throw the couple some type of rager, just so Jovi’s grandparents had a chance to get their beads. Yara stayed quiet, shooting Jovi dirty looks as a signal that she was going to yell at him later, privately. She explained to the cameras that she felt Gwen was trying to be controlling, though try though she may, Yara claims to never change her mind.

After the evening with mom, the couple retreated to their room for the night (don’t be jealous, Brandon), and Jovi asked Yara for her take on everything. Yara claimed that the Unnndrei frrrrickeeseee did not have flavour. Luckily she didn’t confess this to Mother BonJovi, who would have shot her down in a blaze of glory. Some other takeaways from the trip were that his hometown was boring and it looked like a place where one would come to die, his mom was pushy, and she doesn’t want to have a wedding in a trailer park. Seems like things are off to a great start! I hope next week she’s wrasslin’ a gator and catching catfish with her acrylic-tipped hands… or at the very least, using her extensions as a fishing line. Lord, we’ve gotta keep the faith!

Big Mike & Natashkala:

Back in Seattle, it’s time for Natalie to enjoy that great city view from the luxury hotel one last time before she sets her sights on the Big Guy’s man cave. Before heading back to the house, Mike decided that Natalie and Uncle Beau should have a formal introduction, so they all met up at a restaurant for lunch. Natalie was immediately impressed with Uncle Beau’s sense of style, as she loved his layered t shirt/long sleeved number, paired perfectly with his strategically dirt stained jeans, topped off with a beanie hat, accessorized by a lanyard necklace (honestly this outfit would have been $800 at a store in Soho). Natalie was also taken by Uncle Beau’s beautiful smile and ability to day drink like a champion. She was bubbly and friendly throughout the lunch, even taking on small talk with the waiter, explaining that it was her first day in the U.S. all the way from “Keev” to be with her fiance. Calling Mike her fiance seemed tough for Natalie, as she no longer had a ring, since she had thrown it at him during a fight on their previous season. Mike did not feel ready to return the ring to Gollum just yet, as he was still unsure if he was ready to commit to his Fatal Attraction love story for good. 

They bid farewell to Uncle Beau, as they headed for the car ride to “Squim”, with Natalie nodding off and her boingy hair bobbing on Mike’s shoulder for the duration of the drive. When they arrived at Mike’s house, you could see her switch flip, and she started getting that twitchy look in her eye from last season. At first glance, she felt like the house looked like it was in a horror movie, which happens to be her least favorite film genre (ironic, since she starred in so many of them). She was not a fan of the mud in the mudroom, complained about the temperature of the house, and was even afraid of his cat, claiming to be more of a dog person. Natalie’s new surroundings seemed to overwhelm her, as her eyes bulged in shock that this would be her new place of residence. She claimed to just be overwhelmed, as she smiled awkwardly, and ran to pick up the cat, who was equally as unenthused as she was. Can’t wait to see how much she hates it next week in the daylight! Just hope the house isn’t purple….

Amira & Andrew:

Looks like Episode 3 is bringing another new couple; Andrew and Amira. Andrew (potentially the bastard son of Jon Snow and Samwell Tarly…also, a lost brother of the Alaskan Bush People) is a 32 year old daycare professional. And by that, it seems like his mom runs a daycare out of the house and he incidentally started helping/calling himself an “owner” of a daycare since he was sitting on the couch wearing costumes and a bunch of kids surrounded him. He describes himself as a little bit of a loner, mostly due to his demanding work schedule, and admits that though he has had many short term flings with the womenfolk, he hasn’t really experienced a long term relationship. Presumably during nap time or the 3,000th viewing of “Frozen”, he perused an international dating app where he stumbled upon Amira, a 28 year old makeup enthusiast from Saumur, France.  Being only half French and half Egyptian, Amira felt like she never really fit in in France, and was ready to hang up her baguettes and see another part of the world. She met Andrew after only being on the dating app for 2 days, and was instantly attracted to his finger painting skills and caring nature. They had met in Las Vegas for a romantic trip, where Andrew instantly proposed. The unlikely pair applied and waited for a K1 Visa for over a year, and were thrilled to find out they had finally been approved. Unfortunately, the timing of the approval could not have been worse, since it was right at the beginning of the ‘Rona outbreak, and Europeans were not permitted to enter the U.S. Andrew proclaimed that he would do anything to bring his mademoiselle over to his playhouse, and even hit up the interweb for some friendly suggestions. He figured out that there could be a loophole where Amira would be permitted to go to Mexico, where the two could quarantine there, and then fly back to California. He really pushed to try going this route, as he was afraid that if they didn’t activate their K1 Visa they would lose the opportunity. 

Amira packed her whole life in one suitcase, and stopped to video chat with Andrew, who was sporting a Dr. Suess hat for the occasion. She expressed her worry about the flight to Mexico, scared about potentially contracting the virus, as well as having issues with her Visa and being denied entry. Andrew assured her that everything would be fine, and they would be sipping margaritas poolside in no time. 

Before he left for Mexico, Andrew met up with his pregnant sister, Connie, to give her a gift, since he would be missing her baby shower. He brought a joint gift from him and Amira in the form of a blue beret (not even raspberry), though I think Connie would have been happier if he gave her a discount on daycare, just sayin’. Sister Connie had some concern about Amira, claiming that she found her to be a bit superficial when they had met, and she had a hard time seeing what Amira had in common with her brother. Andrew also brought up the fact that Amira has changed her mind on wanting a family, which is something that is very important to him. Connie’s best advice was to skip enjoying being locked up together in a Mexican resort, and focus on fighting over their different big picture views during their 14 day quarantine. Good talk.

Back in France, Amira sat down with her father to have a bon voyage brunch and go over the details of her journey. Her father feels the whole thing is a terrible idea, and doesn’t care much for Andrew. He claims that his daughter is always crying, and that Andrew should not be pushing her to travel during a pandemic with potential Visa complications. Despite the wise words from her father (who she happens to look exactly like), she plans on going through with the Mexico trip to prove her love. Though I am not sure how I feel about this couple quite yet, their previews look dramatic, and I’m here for it. 

Noticeably missing were 4,000 items with Zied’s face on them. Oh and Rebecca…

Can’t wait to meet the cougar next week!!