Happily Ever After; EP 11

Angela & Michael:

After Angela Ubered off into the Nigerian night last week, Aunt Lydia questioned if Michael was prepared to tolerate outbursts like this from his wife (Here’s your late pass from the last 3 years, Aunt Lydia). He assured her of his ability to handle Angela, as he set off driving back to their apartment, nervously gripping his fake Louis Vuitton steering wheel cover the entire way, knowing what awaited him. He found Angela in the apartment sitting in the kitchen wearing one of her sensible toting camisole tops, waiting for her prey to arrive. She wasted no time letting Michael have it, giving him the hard facts that she will NOT be anyone’s submissive wife. Michael persistently tried to calm her rage, even using a quiet tone and trying to talk through the angry fury raining down upon him, but no such luck. For those that could only see the fight as a bunch of yelling, the meat of it was this; Michael has been agreeing with Angela all along that they will be (whatever Angela considers to be) equal partners in their marriage, but also telling his family that he will be the head of the household/She will be the submissive wife. I’m sure given the Facebook courtship, the age difference, and the fact that Michael once did the bj forreal all have been stored in Angela’s internal hard drive, so any discrepancies shown on Michael’s part are met with a category 5 Hurricane Angela. Combine that with the struggle over leaving her gravely ill mother at home to be on “Bridezillas- Nigeria” (which she didn’t want to do in the first place), and it’s the recipe for the perfect storm. Some of the screaming highlights included “there’s only one person I bow down to and that’s Jesus” (who’s up in Heaven, dropping his mic right about now…). I would appreciate it if Dr. Pettigrew would recheck Angela’s blood pressure at this point, as I’m not so sure if it would be as perfect.

Michael followed Angela from the initial fight location of the kitchen, to the bedroom where the door was slammed in his face. Michael really does deserve some bowing down, as he has had the patience of a Saint, ignoring all of the yelling and has shown dogged determination to get through to his non-submissive fiance. Each time the camera showed Michael he appeared to have aged, and lost an article of clothing. 

The following morning, Angela had started to slip out of her Hulk mode, and actually listened to Michael as he claimed that he would tell his family he was choosing the least submissive wife ever. Only caring about Michael’s Mother’s opinion, she invited Mama Michael over, along with a neutral third party translator to make sure Mama officially approved of their marriage, and to make sure Michael wasn’t pulling any fast ones over on her. Angela was looking very put together in her black top and coordinating headband, complimented by her matching  gold chain/rhinestone lips necklace and earrings set from Rainbow. (I am loving all of her “love” themed jewelry this season). 
Mama showed up looking fabulous as ever in her pink outfit and headpiece. Angela started the conversation, welcoming Mama and making sure she was okay with the fact that she had no intentions of, and I quote, “Kissing Michael’s ass”. Mama agreed, and even continued on to give them her blessing for marriage. After that meeting went so well, Michael asked Angela what today’s wedding status would be, and she said “Game On”. Looks like my toaster might actually have a forever home!
(That is, until production set up poor Michael once again for a beat down. Looks like next week there are female strippers at a joint bachelor/bachelorette party. I hope Michael is wearing a protective cup.)

Elizabeth & Undrrrrei:

The lackluster apology at the war museum must have had an impact last week, because Elizabeth and Undrrrei were all smiles as they headed to the airport yet again to pick up Mother Elizabeth, her poor unsuspecting surprise husband, and sister Jen.(It’s kind of crazy that this is the first we are hearing about Elizabeth’s parents being divorced, and there’s a stepfather in the picture. Maybe the poor guy didn’t want to be pulled into the 90 Day circus? Well, welcome aboard!) Sister Jen decided she was going to pretend Moldova was France, as she sported her black beret and made a face like she was smelling stinky cheese as soon as she landed (which is actually a possibility).

The Family Elizabeth all went back to the AirBNB owned by the heir to the Oscar Meyer corporation, where Undrrrei’s mom had prepared a feast. There was pig fat and festive finger foods; it was truly a tempting shmear. She is bold with her cooking and even more bold with her mixing of patterns for her outfit. Both families from near and far seemed to be getting along well and everyone was on their best behavior. 

The next morning, Jen and Mother Elizabeth were hating on their first breakfast in Moldy-O, which really seemed to be nothing more than some Folgers, croissants and grapes. Elder Chuck mentioned it was like eating “peasant food”, though in fairy tales, most peasants eat crumbs, not meat jello. Get your facts straight, Chuckles! The Chucks bring the ladies up to speed on the latest Undrrrei drama, and they are appalled. The smartest one of this bunch is the newly introduced Stepfather who chose to stay in bed for this conversation (and hopefully brought a granola bar that he doesn’t intend to share).

Next on the agenda, Libby, Jen, their mother, and sister in law Inna all went shopping at a traditional Moldovan dress shop to find an outfit for Libby to wear to her ceremony. I’m not going to lie… I thought the dresses would be made out of cold cuts, but they were actually pretty cute (and would ironically be considered “peasant tops”). While Elizabeth was busy in the fitting room, Jen, Mother Elizabeth and Sister in Law Inna had a chance to gossip about what a jerk Undrrrei is. They had to use a translator app as well as a sales girl to relay their questions and information back and forth. Inna admitted to not being “team Undrrrei”, as she had previously had her own “beef” with Undrrrrei (In Moldova, when you fight, you always refer to it as having “beef”). All of the ladies concluded that they don’t know how Libby can put up with Undrrrei and his “fots”. 
Of course Elizabeth pops out of the fitting room in her “peasant” attire, pissed off that they are all talking about her husband-to-be-again, and defending her decision to have left with Undrrrei after family fight night. It feels like all of this ridiculousness is just a build up to more anticlimactic drama for next week. And now I’m in the mood for bologna….

Kalani & Asuelu:

Kalani put on her game face as she strutted down the pier for the big meet with the two money hungry thugs, aka her Mother and Sister in Law. She tried to explain that she and Asuelu did not have extra money to support his mother, though they do give to her when they can. Of course this wasn’t good enough for Asuelu’s dear old mom, as well as his sister Tammy (who was giving off a little Samoan Rosie Perez vibes), as they accused Kalani of not being “Sam-wan” enough, brainwashing Asuelu, and even tormenting him with her pregnancy. His mother may have also sealed her fate as becoming the most hated mom of the series (surpassing Debbie, Mother Pedro, and even Mother Chantal herself) when she blatantly said that she didn’t care about the kids, she just wants to harvest the American dollar. She even suggested that maybe Asuelu should move back to Sam-wa and work so he could once again give her all of his money. Kalani had finally had enough of the great Samoan Shakedown, so she decided to leave in tears, with Tammy trailing behind, threatening to beat her up. The whole thing seemed extremely scripted, except Kalani seemed genuinely upset. (Also, I may be wrong, but I thought I remembered Asuelu once saying he was one of like 10 children. So is he the top earner of his family??? Shouldn’t his mother have a few other kids she could be shaking down? I mean if they all pitch in like $1 they can get her a bottle of John Frieda Frizz Ease for both her head and mustache..)

Back at the house, Kalani fills Asuelu in on the meeting, and how his mother and sister basically only care about money, even more than the kids. Asuelu seems to agree that they are in fact crazy and seems like he is team Kalani all the way….. That is until Kalani mentions that his family are assholes, and that his sister should be glad she didn’t attempt to beat her up, since if Tammy would have touched her body, she would have “dropped her…period”. This is when the conversation veered left, and Asuelu seemed more concerned with who would win in a fight between his wife and sister than the actual moral of the story. She left the room feeling defeated, while Asuelu cursed at her, once again. (If we say Kalani’s father’s name 3 times, do you think he would appear?? We need Low, stat!!)

Kalani is feeling hopeless, and confides in her sister Kolini, who advises her to stop wasting her energy on someone who isn’t willing to be supportive, and who is only trying to place bets on her fighting abilities. Poor Kalani… period. 

Colt-ee & Debbie & Jess via satellite:

Colt-ee was showing us a little thigh action AGAIN this week, just to keep everyone’s gag reflexes in check. Nothing much really happened with these two jigglypuffs, it was more about setting up the scene for next week when Jess arrives in Vegas to visit. It appears that since his Brazilian tour, Colt-ee has been caught lying yet again to Jess and their relationship has been on and off ever since. Jess explains that she needs Colt to stop lying to her, and also to stop calling her his little “boo-buh” (I actually need him to stop doing that. What the hell was that!). He told Jess she could stay at the house in his bedroom, which of course is going to give Debbie major Larissa flashbacks, especially once Jess reacts to Colt-ee’s confession that he’s been talking to other girls in the interim of their 3000 breakups per week. 

Please, if you or someone you know speaks romantically to Colt-ee, hoping to be his next “Boo-buh”, send me their number. We can get them the help they need. 

Colt took Debbie on a day date to some place with these amazing ice cream concoctions to discuss the current state of the Colt/Jess relationship. I tried to concentrate on what they were saying, but the ice cream was honestly way more interesting. It seemed like Colt-ee told Debbie that though their relationship has its “ups and downs” he still wants to pursue things with Jess by having her come visit Las Vegas. Debbie is not thrilled, and probably is already planning another bomb to drop for next week. That ice cream though…

Tania & Cinnamon:

Synergy’s family all came together for a “braai”, or South African Barbeque. Everyone is enjoying each other’s company (well, not Tania’s company, but everyone else’s), and Syringe brings up wanting to buy property in South Africa. This of course sets Tania off on a tear, mentioning how she doesn’t want to have little Tanios or Taniyettes in South Africa, since she feels there is a lot of racism there and prefers her multicultural upbringing in the sheds of Connecticut. Of course she is saying all of this out loud in front of Synergy’s South African family, in South Africa, shoveling South African food down her gullet…

Cinnamon counters her points by mentioning that he’s not even sure if he wants kids, which just about made Tania’s head fall off. She started yelling, crying, saying that Synonym has no direction and it’s unfair to her that he doesn’t have goals. One might bring up the fact that when you meet a barefoot bartender on vacation who isn’t sure he wants to have kids and is torn between the career options of fireman, actor, or opera singer and is cool with living in a shed as long as he can day-drink in a bathrobe, he is not exactly a “5 year plan” type of guy (Unless her goal was to live out the plot to the movie “Cocktails”. In which case, carry on). Tania was so upset with Syngerella that she got up and hobbled off, leaving him to awkwardly apologize to his family for the weird tension. But fear not, she returned a minute later, trying to have the last word and make Cinnabon feel like everything was his fault, but in reality she had just forgotten to take her plate of food with her the first time she left. (Most people eat their feelings AFTER something happens, not during. But you know how Tania likes to do things no one expects…. )

Cinnamon’s family acknowledged that he is a bit of a dreamer and noncommittal, but they also are all in agreement that Tania is waaay too much.His brother was sitting there looking like a shell shocked Kenny G and a pirate just had a baby who had knee surgery, while his sister was now terrified of the idea of marriage altogether. Syncinatti went into the bedroom to find Tania shoveling steak into her mouth hole while she sulked. She copped a major attitude, as she explained that she was the only reason he made it to the U.S. (which was never a goal of his in the first place..especially since he has none), and explained that she has wasted 2 precious years (well, 1 year and a few months… the other months she was in Costa Rica) hoping he would pick a direction. We get it, Tania… you want your kids to have his fabulous hair, you just have to come to terms with the fact that you married the South African version of “the Dude” from “The Big Lebowski”. 

Synergy finally had enough, and decided to grab his beer and go, but not before the cameras panned to his feet, which were completely black from his “free spirit” way of life, that is also free of wearing shoes. Hopefully the universe will point Cinnabon to one of my suggestions on how to ditch Tania, and then to get a pedicure. 

Larissa-ee:

I have noticed that production likes to reuse story lines, such as having Larissa and Eric-ee go furniture shopping, just like they already had Larissa couch shopping once before with Debbie (I’ll bet Larissa is really jealous of Colt-ee’s chic-ee “realtree” couch….)

 I could understand her desire to want to spruce up Eric-ee’s dorm room decor, but they could at least have hit up Ikea, instead of jumping from the free section of Craigslist straight to an $11,000 couch. Larissa used the furniture store as an opening to discuss how “cheap-ee” Eric has been, and how she would like to borrow money for a boob job (and a nose job, tummy tuck etc. But let’s talk boob job-ee first). She claims to be unhappy with her original parts and would like to get a tune up. Eric-ee agrees to loan her the money (plus interest, hopefully at a fixed percentage rate) and she promised he would not regret it. 

Next we see these two back in their joint living quarters discussing (with many hand motions) the boob-ee situation again. Larissa explains this enhancement will help her build confidence and hopefully entice him to propose, which was a new development. Eric-ee suspected that she could possibly be making all of these adjustments to throw her new life in Colt-ee’s face, though she claims to just want to be an “angus steak” in a world full of ground sirloins (watch out for Tania,she was on a steak bender this entire episode). 

Pol & Kreeknee:

Missing this week were Pol and Kreeknee who were off chasing each other around somewhere and making awkward Cameos.