Happily Ever After, Episode 1

Coltee 2.0 & Larissa 2.0:
Coltee makes his return to the 90 Day world while doing his workout routine in the garage to some clubby song “Mr. Vegas” that he would probably never listen to (purely for our amusement), as we watch him struggle to lift weights. Mother Debbie comes out to join him, and mentions that Coltee has been acting a bit suspicious-ee. He goes through his past history with love and tumultuous relationship with Maleficent herself, Larissa, for all of the newcomers to the show. Coltee promptly sneaks away to go shower (thanks, TLC, are you paying for the therapy I’m going to need to unburn that image from my memory?!) as he told the cameras about his new love interest, Jessica.  He had met Jessica, a 26 year old feisty Brazillian au pair currently living in Chicago whom he’d met while she was on a recent trip to Vegas (guess no one told her whatever happens there STAYS there….). He described her by saying that she had red hair, glasses, and loved cats, which seemed like the beginning of a deep and solid relationship (or ya know, the start of a game of “Guess Who?”)
Colt prepared for his trip to Chicago to see Jess, while avoiding Debbie’s line of questioning and refraining from telling her he was off to meet Larissa 2.0. Once Coltee arrived in Chicago, we saw him waiting for Jess at a sports bar; the epitome of romance. Jess made her appearance wearing a lacy romper and greeted Coltee with a hug and kiss. The two made small talk about the usual things like their cats, cat tattoos, and sex.

Colt propositions Jess to go back to his hotel room (which she for some reason seems excited to do) and we see them both chugging their beers, as not to waste any time. (It’s been a minute since I’ve chugged a beer, but I bet I’d throw up faster from seeing anything that is about to take place in that hotel room than I would from the beer..….. Just saying). Jess feels like their relationship is serious enough that Mother Debbie should know who she is, but Colt wants to take things slow (Not slow to the point where she doesn’t come back to the hotel room, but he’s not ready for her to meet Cookiedough yet). TLC further traumatizes us by watching the new couple make out in the back of the car, and then there was a preview for next week showing a topless Coltee. Hopefully Jess takes him bra shopping while he’s in town…

Angela & Michael:
There was absolutely no better reintroduction to the Queen herself than watching her attend a striptease class with her daughter Skyla, in matching fur vests. (It was fantastic, and I applaud production right here from Shmerica headquarters). We watched “How Meemaw Got Her Groove Back” and then listened to her explain to the teacher that she needs these moves to keep up with her young sexy Nigerian, Mykull. I, for one, thoroughly enjoyed the montage of photos and video clips giving the rundown of Angela and Mykull’s exciting relationship from the beginning. Sadly Michael’s K1-Visa was denied, and now Angela has decided to make her “Coming to America” wedding dreams a reality with the hopes of bringing Michael back on the Spousal Visa. Angela’s daughter Skyla, however is a bit skeptical about their relationship, and isn’t sure if she wants to be a part of “My Big Fat Nigerian Wedding”. In the meantime, Angela and the crew have moved on up to a new house with more space to accommodate her brood as well as hopefully Papa Mykull one day soon. We got to see the betrothed couple video chat, as Angela gave him a virtual tour of the new joint, including seeing all of her “grids” (an adorable name for her grandkids), until Mykull received a phone call with a mysterious and unfamiliar ringtone. Angela was very suspicious, as she had made it a point to memorize all of Michael’s ringtones (even the muzak versions) to make sure he wasn’t lying to her and talking to other women. The ringtone soured her mood completely and she hung up on him, cigarette in one hand, and tampon in the other, because guess what??? We also heard that Angela got her period (right up there on my “things I didn’t know I would be thinking about on a Sunday night” list…)
That last egg better hold out until she can get to Nigeria, stat! (Does the egg get its own ringtone?)

Elizabeth & UhnDrrrrreey:
Welcome back, Elizabeth, baby Eleanor and Uhndrrrrey (blech). The family of three seem to have moved into a new house, though Underrrrarm is still gainfully unemployed (though he hangs a flat screen tv like a pro). They went through their prior seasons on the show and discussed the tension between Uhnderrrrpants and Elizabeth’s entire family. The themes for this season seem to be:
1. Uhndrrrrei is still a bossy moocher
2. A second wedding in Moldova, which is world famous for…….Undrrrrei. 
In this episode, the couple brings baby Eleanor to Elizabeth’s father Chuck’s birthday party with the entire family in attendance. Family Elizabeth always tries to take jabs at Undrrei Schwarzenegger every time he speaks, especially when he takes this opportunity to announce the couple will be having a second wedding and baptism for Eleanor in Moldova… in a month. (He hasn’t told them he also wants Chuck to pay for it, but that’s besides the point…). The family is up in arms, as they are being given such little notice and almost no time to plan. 

In another scene, Elizabeth and her sister are all standing around having a breastfeeding party in the pool, once again discussing the couples’ lack of consideration for the entire family. I’m underwhelmed. 

Larissa-y:
We see Larissa wearing a jumpsuit, cleaning up pee pee and “poopiiie” from a public restroom as part of her court ordered community service from her prior three arrests for domestic violence. She re-hashed her entire crazy relationship with Coltee and is showing off her revenge bod and revenge plastic surgery to her friends, poolside (although I will admit she looks good, she’s starting to look a little like Michael Jackson-y). She discussed her breakup with Eric-y, and their lack of physical attraction. She even gave Coltee a slight compliment on his libido, right before comparing his “member” to that of a dog. Larissa explained to her pool friends that Coltee has cut off her affidavit (or as she pronounced it “offy-dafit”) of support, and she is going to have to figure out a new source of income, even though she is unable to legally work due to her immigration status.  

This is all happening around Thanksgiving time, and we witnessed Larissa and her live-in best friend Carmen preparing a turkey, and the giblets were giving her Coltee flashbacks. She explained to Carmen her financial dilemma and confusion on whether she should try to somehow mcome up with the money to apply for her green card, or go back to Brazil. Feeling like she had no other option, Larissa went to a coffee shop (where she ordered milk and chocolate with a “strap” (straw), and video chatted her father to ask him for some money (around $5,000, no big deal). Her father has custody of her daughter, Luana, who we are hearing more about for the first time, and is taking care of her while Larissa is busy doing important things in the U.S., like drinking chocolate and milk and cleaning up poopieesss. Looks like the only job she is going to get is a boob job-y. 

Kalani & Asuelu:
Upon their return we see that Asuelu is now gainfully employed, dishing out free yogurt samples at TCBY. The couple now has 2 little boys under 2 (and 1 under 30). It appears that Kalani is the primary caretaker for the family, and when he’s not slinging fro-yo, Asuelu is out playing Volleyball with his fellow Samoan buddies. Kalani’s parents moved back in with them to help with the kids, as Kalani seems to be at her wits end. Asuelu seems down and sad, like a kid that’s just constantly getting sent to time out. It seems as though the two have come to a breaking point where they are both extremely frustrated. It was so much more fun when Asuelu danced all the time and was Maui from Moana….
Kalani’s father, Low, who is a really tall and intimidating guy with a beard-braid, took Asuelu under the apple tree to discuss his priorities and intentions. It was a long, ominous chat, with a very “Godfather” feel, where Low basically threatened Asuelu to step up to the plate, or else. Poor Asuelu just kind of stood there, looking into outer space, probably singing the “you put the lime in the coconut” song in his head the whole time….
Looks like the Moana fun days are over. Poor buddy…..moral of the story is, maybe condoms aren’t just for slut-people after all. 

 I saw previews showing a forecast of cloudy with a chance of Tania on the horizon……..
(Does the Macaulay Culkin “Home Alone” face for ten minutes….)