Before the 90 Days of Our Lives, Episode 15

Prince Joffrey,Varya & Mary Popp-ins and out of the picture:
Mary shows up to the bar, pulling Joffrey aside to find out if he is K1 or K done with Varya. Joffrey just stood there staring blankly at Mary (who’s “Varya fighting outfit” is the same as her “night out on the town” outfit) with his arms crossed tightly across his nippletats. He explains that Varya’s visit was unplanned, and is feeling confused and unsure of what to do, though seems quick to send Mary back to the friend-zone for what I’m guessing is not the 2nd or 3rd time…
Once back amongst the crowd Varya asks to whisk Mary away for her turn to have a talk, and tries to act sincere, apologizing for her gangbusters entrance while at the same time telling her to run along and mind her business. Mary retaliates, by saying the relationship won’t make it to 6 months (probably the longest amount of time anyone has been able to stare at those nippletats, I thought she was being generous), which didn’t go over well. 
The next morning we see that Joffrey and Varya seem to be back together, as they are laying in bed with Varya’s cold toys (or toes) on his, and it appears he has made his choice… well for today anyway, subject to change at any time. The reunited couple set out to sight see around Knoxville, all smiles, later celebrating their reunion with a bottle of champagne. Joffrey poses a hypothetical “sooo if I were to propose again, would you say no again?” scenario, to test the waters and avoid bruising his fragile ego yet again. Varya made it clear that she was now a sure thing, giving him the green light for a proposal, take 2. The next day Joffrey decides to introduce his sons to Varya (though she had already made a great impression on Paxton while he was getting the jello pit ready for last week’s catfight with Mary. She’s not a regular future step-mom, she’s a cool future step mom). They later went on a romantic cruise dinner where Joffrey confesses that he does still love Varya, even though he tried to deny it and cover it up with another woman (Ouch! I don’t know how he’s going to backpedal that one to Mary after they break up!). 
It’s the last day of the Varya surprise trip, and the couple heads out to a romantic spot where they write down their hopes/ wishes and stick it to a wall of elongated post-it notes…. Well whaddya know, Joffrey proposes again and Varya accepts. Mazel Tov to Mary, for dodging that bullet (for now, at least). 

Darcey & Stacey:
The twin power is back for one last pointless hurrah, starting off with Darcey standing on top of a suitcase to be able to see in the mirror, applying makeup to go out for manicures with Stace. The twins’ outfits this episode seemed like Stacey went into White House, while Darcey went to Black Market, but when they come together, they form a shorter, more curvaceous Cruella Deville with fuller lips. On the way to the nail salon, Darcey announced she had received a message from a source close to Tom claiming that Tom wanted to speak with Darcey, and feels he had made a mistake. Darcey didn’t buy the story and left his message on “read”, claiming Tom is blocked from her life for good and won’t be able to fat shame her ever again. 
At the nail salon, Stacey was manifesting her excitement for Florian’s Visa interview through expressive nail art, confusing the poor technician and asking for the works. Darcey is keeping up her “Be strong, Bitch” motto, knowing Stacey could possibly get married before her, claiming to “not need a man to put diamonds on her fingers”, but instead asking the nail lady to turn the bling up to an 11. In conclusion, this was pointless and really reminded me that I miss getting my nails done.

BGL & Assman:
Hot off of the fight with the elders, BGL and Oozemon reconvene in their hotel suite on the night before their shotgun wedding. They both agree that even though their entire relationship seemed like one giant fight, nothing should stop the wedding of the century. 
The next morning we watched the not-so-happy couple prepare for their wedding ceremony.  Oozemon looked dashing in his shiny blue suit made out of 70’s wallpaper samples, and luckily for him, accentuated shoulder silhouettes are really on trend right now. BGL ditched her glasses for the special occasion, and made sure to bring a back up supply of scrunch spray and her signature claw clip from Dollar Tree (which she didn’t even bother to Bedazzle). I appreciated her choosing a simple pearl stud earring as not to detract from the beaded Coronavirus shaped appliques on her gown. Assman’s African queen decided to go with an Irish tradition, “Erin go Bragh-less” with her illusion neckline. He questions why she didn’t want any support for such a big day, but she thought bra straps would look tacky and figured she’d keep it classy and just hoist the girls up every 10 minutes or so. Her orthopedic wedding shoes looked ravishing on her potty feet, as they left the hotel in the rain, which they say is lucky on your wedding day! (They’re going to need a lot of rain) The ceremony was filled with family and onlookers as we watched the vows: 
“Do you, BabyGirlLisa, take Oozemon Supastar Sojaboy, to always go ‘dey’ for you, and say a  prayer for you?” “And do you, BabyGirlLisa, promise to love and obey this traditional Houssa man, and accept his video whores?”
I was expecting Barney to walk her down the aisle, but no such luck (I’m just hoping he’s not being served at the reception!) The magistrate pronounced them “Mr and Mrs Sojapeople” as the crowd went wild (except Mommy, who only has one facial expression). 
After a quick outfit change, they were off to the reception where it was a mens-only dance party.  BGL is stuck babysitting in the corner, as it’s culturally inappropriate for women to dance with the men (but probably for the best, since she wasn’t wearing a bra).They wouldn’t even let her “YMCA”. Usman’s best man, Giant, gave his own speech to the cameras, saying at first they just thought Lisa was “fat and old”, but now he thinks they might be able to “put aside their differences”….heartwarming, though I think he would have been better just quoting “Love is Patient”. 
The next morning was time for BGL to head home, as we watched the two say goodbye at the airport. Lisa’s hair was still being held up by her wedding chip clip (though this morning she had a cinnabon swirl in the front) as she sported a newly acquired starfish print/banana/rose muumuu as her travel outfit. The newlyweds embraced in a tearful “See you soon”, but as Lisa said- “never say goodbye”. l’m not throwing away my toaster receipt until after the Tell All…..

Big Egg & No more Rosemary’s baby:

Ed slathered his hair with mayo or some other slimy substance to head out to meet his recently estranged daughter, Tiffany and discuss his relationship status. He arrived at his mother’s house in his tiny yellow car fully equipped with his custom “Big Eg” vanity plate, and presented Tiffany with a bouquet of flowers, shockingly not listerine. They walked to a park by the water to discuss their strained relationship, and Ed actually apologized. Tiffany explained that she was hurt that Ed was being a creepy old man, dating a girl 6 years younger than his own daughter. Ed confessed to being a dumbass, though no confession was necessary. 

David & I’m Still Lana from the (Eastern) Bloc:
Somewhere in “Keev”, we see David getting himself date-night ready in a black on black ensemble (very Johnny Cash does the Ukraine). He seems to finally be concerned that Lana doesn’t want to have a sleepover party and has only seen him 3 out of the 8 days of his 5th Ukrainian Lana pilgrimage. It was really nice of Lana to squeeze David in for dinner (guess hockey season is over) And they met up at a restaurant with the Yule Log playing on the wall. Lana looked ravishing in her shiny puffy coat yet again, as David embraced her with a long anticipated MMMMmmmm. Over a cup of coffee (and not a plate of rabbit this time), David formally asked her if she would like to go steady, aka get off of the website. Lana accepted his offer, as well as his gift of an Iphone, which would allow them to communicate directly without David spending $2.99/email, but she may not be able to see him on his next trip to the Ukraine, because she’ll be busy Candy Crushing. They both seemed happy as they left, with the camera panning down to show Lana’s winning striped socks with rainbow sneakers combination (maybe she was trying to show up Erika?).
After a magical evening of Lana, David went back to the hotel to have a nightcap with Dell Inspiron, when he came across an email from Sergey, the fired P.I.,containing links of all of the scammy dating sites Lana has been on. Most people would be concerned, but David decides to stick it to Sergey, the naysayer, by replying with a picture of himself with Lana (not just the photoshopped ones he has taped to his ceiling at home). “Case closed” was the tag line. You tell ‘em, David! In the next scene, we see him pensively wandering the city while wearing presumably the pelt of the rabbit from Lana’s pasta dinner on his head, while sulking over the fact that Lana ditched him on his last day in town to hang out with her nephews again. David calls Lana on her newly acquired Iphone, only to get her Ukrainian voicemail, which loosely translated to: “Hi, you’ve reached Lana. I can’t come to the phone right now because I’m either scamming people on the internet or at a peewee hockey game. But if you leave a message, I might get back to you if I feel like it or not. Leave it at the beep!”
Lana did however show up the morning of David’s flight, to send him off to the airport ( and watch him catch that pesky trench coat belt in the car door). They arrived at the terminal for their big goodbye (or as BGL says “See you soon”). David saw the opportunity (probably since Lana actually showed up) to drop to one knee, CZ ring in hang and ask Lana to complete the K1-Visa with him, and could you believe she said YES! She watched her new fiance walk through security, confirming that he had in fact left and won’t be popping up randomly any time too soon. Hopefully we will see her next season on “Say ‘Da’ to the Dress”, the Ukrainian spinoff, pending jv hockey schedules.  

Stephanie & No more Erika not Shmerika:
Stephanie is home and settled from her trip, but takes a ride over for dinner with her Mom and completely disinterested brother. She decides it’s time to tell her mom the truth about the nature of her and Erika’s relationship, as well as come out as bi sexual. Her mother, though fairly unemotional and pretty direct about her feelings, still accepts Steph and all of her phases. Her mom explains that she always pictured Stephanie having a “My big fat Czech Republic Wedding” with her prince charming, and not Lisa Frank, but she will love and support her no matter what. They hug it out, just as Stephanie’s brother woke up from his nap in his plate of goulash, clearly bored and unsure of why he couldn’t just eat dinner in his room while playing his video games. 

Yolander, party of one? Yolander?:
Karra decides to hire a private investigator 3 episodes ago and is now finally getting around to bringing Yolander back down to Earth (they work slowly over there). It appears that The Williams Sonoma has resurfaced and reeled Yolander back into lala land, so clearly she needs to be sent to time out. The P.I. is listening to the “case”, totally bored, wondering what he’s having for dinner (Maybe goulash? Hopefully not rabbit pasta…..again.)
I can’t even talk about this anymore.