Before the 90 Days of Our Lives, Episode 10

David & his laptop:
Well whadda ya know…….. we’re back in the dreary hallway with David, as the mysterious door begins to open, and reveal “option A” from last week’s recap; an old Ukrainian man. I can’t say I’m surprised, but I’m more surprised that HE was surprised. David uses his sexy translator app to ask the man questions about Lana, and it seems like the man from the apartment has never heard of her and never seen her, …so he is equally in a relationship with her as David. Poor David is majorly bummed as he sulks down the stairs and onto the street, telling production he’s had enough. He packed his things while listening to Celine Dion’s “Allll by myseeeelf…” as he headed back to the airport, still pining over his imaginary friend. He admits that if Lana showed him a glimmer of an affectionate emoji, he would be right back in the game. However next week it looks like he’s hiring a private investigator. (Rebecca from last season?) To be continued….

Avery & Ashtray:
After a rocky trip to Cairnes, it’s time for A&A to go back to Melbourne (debatably pronounced “Melbin”). On the car ride home from the airport, Ashole tells Avery the great news that his ex wife Sian agreed to meet up (which will most likely be next week’s storyline). They also discussed the upcoming seminar that Ash would be teaching the next morning to a room full of hopeful single women, ready to learn from his infinite wisdom. Avery is skeptical of Ashtray’s business model, but is glad she will get a chance to see him in action.
They arrived to the seminar venue with a hand written sign that said
“Finding Mr Right” with his Instagram handle underneath (he didn’t even bothering to splurge for a printed sign from Staples. I wonder if in lieu of business cards, he just wrote his number in Sharpie on cocktail napkins…seems to be where he’s at professionally). All 6 girls in attendance seemed happy to be there as they took their seats for the main event. Ash opened with “How many of you are all single?”, which was unanimous, as he probably took mental note of the inventory.
The rest of the seminar was a blur of Jackash talking about brains, nothing-boxes, feminine energy and masculine energy, accompanied by diagrams. Avery and all of the seminar attendees were taken aback as Ashphault droned on about how women have low blood sugar, and men have empty skulls. Many of the women began asking questions and challenging Ash, but he gave those girls a candy to regulate their blood sugar and curb their attitude. He actually got so flustered that he had to leave his own seminar for a minute with the counsel of Avery to regroup. Struggling to recover from his verbal diarrhea and being challenged by his pesky feminine energied clients, he gets defensive and ultimately shuts down.
After the seminar fiasco, we saw the two strolling down a pier, while Avery tried to pick his nothing-box brain further on the subject matter, causing Ash to have a mental breakdown and storm off. Seems like someone needs to raise their blood sugar……. I dont even think he could keep a Luden’s cough drops in his pocket of those tight pants, but he should have some on hand for his mood swings. Maybe he should just stick to being topless on Instagram.

Big Egg & Rosemary’s baby:
Ed and Rose are escaping Fear Factor, aka Rose’s home, to go on a romantic vacation to Palawan. This trip is Rose’s first time on an airplane, and Ed gives her lots of good advice such as chew gum if your ears are stuffy and make sure to look out the window (luckily he didn’t make any “mile high club” suggestions ala Joffrey and Varya…..Sojaboy doesnt have enough barf buckets to go around for that one!).
They arrive at the Sheridan with a beautiful tropical view. Ed brings out a few gifts for Rose. The first two gifts consisted of a bikini and lingerie (or a teddy, also like his dog Teddy, who he hopefully does not dress up in lingerie), both which Rose seemed to like. Then Santa’s little elf brings out another two gifts; a bottle of Listerine and a tooth brush, which he delicately explained was to combat Rose’s “not so pretty” breath. Rose explains she has a stomach ulcer, and it’s her gut rot causing the funky breathe, not her oral hygiene (or eating sick rats). It’s a wonder Ed is always begging to kiss her, being that she has a terrible case of halik-tosis.
After calling him ugly in her language and admitting to wanting to punch him, the two presumably made up, as we saw them taking an excursion to an island with monkeys. They walked the trails and came to a clearing where the monkeys were all loose on the ground, pickpocketing the visitors. One of the monkeys stole Ed’s plastic bag right out of his backpack (with his trademark “Big Ed” Patch on the back), as he screamed and ran. Not sure why anyone would go see monkeys with bananas in a plastic bag hanging off your back and then be shocked that they got jumped. Rose was unphased and even seemed to enjoy Ed’s fears. The monkeys seemed to steer clear of Rose (the halik-tosis comes in handy sometimes). They left Planet of the Apes and went back to the hotel for a romantic dinner by the pool, while the other hotel guests backstroked on by.
Rose did look genuinely happy, as Ed began his speech of what he is looking for in a mate. It was then that he took the opportunity to tell Rose about her sister trying to ask him for money, which Rose claimed to know nothing about. It seemed as though the two were finally in a better place, and a proposal seemed to be on it’s way (probably a ring box with a can of Bianca inside), until Rose mentioned she wanted to have more children. Next week looks like Ed has to come clean about his plans to get neutered.


Yolander, party of one? Yolander:
Yolander’s kids need to start looking into a home for her, I think she might have early onset dementia. If they need to temporarily restrain her, they can use the hoop of her giant earrings (which she owns in both gold and silver….rose gold is yet to be seen). Step away from the green eyeliner, step away from the internet, and most of all, step away from anyone named “Sweet*****” (Juicy? Ankle? Jello? Jesus? Was it an inappropriate word for television or were they keeping the privacy of the scammer??) In any case, no more Yolander please.

Darcey, just Darcey with a hint of Tom:
Tom heads off to Connecticut from NYC to tell Darcey he still doesn’t want to be with her. He babbles on and on during the car ride, without actually saying anything of substance. He knocked on the door, and an elderly Ukranian man answered, saying Darcey doesn’t live there, and he’d never heard of her (……oh wait, I’m confusing him with David, must be getting my stalking storylines crossed. I might need to be fed….my brain isn’t working properly when my blood sugar gets low…).
Stacey opens the door with an “Are you kidding me?!” greeting, and notifies darcey of her visitor. Tom tries to apologize and re-explain the breakup decision, padding her with compliments (she doesn’t need any more padding in any department), but Darcey is fluttering her eyes and fidgeting. He then informs her of his “Dear Darcey” letter, which she declined to read. Ultimately, she shuts the door and sends him on his way only for him to leave the letter on her windshield. Although he is in a foreign land, someone could have informed him that we have a United States Postal Service, so he could’ve spared us from watching this crap all while reducing his carbon footprint. Stacey ran and grabbed the letter from the car, ripping it up (but you know Darcey was probably out there with the scotch tape and glue stick a few minutes later).


Prince Joffrey & Varya:
Varya and Prince Joffrey are packing up to leave for their camping trip. Varya’s mother tells her to think really hard and make a careful decision whether she wants to spend the rest of her life staring at those nipple tats or not.
The couple was dropped off in the middle of the wilderness and greeted by Joffrey’s friend, Igor….kinda wish he had a hunchback. While Joffrey went off to poop in a hole somewhere, Igor and Varya had a heart to heart about Joffrey, and how he is a genuinely, good person. Maybe there should be a plot twist and Varya could run away with Igor! He seems like a lot more fun, but less abs and presumably less nipple tats (not confirmed). But alas, looks like the preview for next week shows a possible proposal. Znippletatz.


Stephanie & Erika not Shmerika:
Stephanie heads to a botanical garden to meet up with Erika, after their latest fight at the party. Stephanie apologized for her insecurities and inability to be affectionate… again. Erika wore a fun outfit….again. Erika decides to give Stephanie one last chance, and they decided to spend the rest of the episode doing the most Australian things they could think of……..except holding a damn Koala. They met up with a nice aboriginal man who gave them boomerang throwing lessons. They told their boomerang coach that they were “special friends”, as we watched them act pretty special trying to actually throw the thing. Their next activity was going in a shark cage to see great whites (That actually makes ME feel uncomfortable, I’ll say it this time, Steph). After risking life and limb, these two are finally warming up to each other and ready to “come out” to their parents next week at dinner over some Alice Springs Chicken.


BGL & Assman:
The determined couple is off to try one more round of annoying Mommy for her marriage blessing. It was so nice seeing Barney in the yard, as they made their way to Mommy and interrupted her prayer time, yet again. Although she was still opposed to being related to BGL, Assman explained to his mother that he can get a better job in the US and send home microwaves, goats, and the likes, so Mommy finally said “Eh, what the hell, sure”. BGL was so excited, she wanted to kiss Mommy’s ring, but tried to hold it together.
Now that its game on, Assman and Brother Moohamit set out in the marketplace to buy the perfect ring for Lisa, which set him back about a goat and a half. Assman explained to his brother that he had some concerns about marrying his fiance, since she’s always complaining and they fight all of the time. Brother Moohammit counseled him that he should just apologize (HE should be teaching Ash’s seminar).
Next we see Assman and BGL stop on the side or the road to get fruit (which Babygirl Lisa paid for and Assman kept the change). Apparently the sugar in the fruit wasnt enough to keep BGL’s levels in check, because she and Assman were both fighting over dominance in their relationship. Usman sounded like he stepped fresh out of Ashtray’s seminar, and Babygirl Lisa was not having any of it. She needed to fish out the Werther’s Originals butterscotch candy with the lint attached from the bottom of her purse to balance her feminine energy. Instead,she flipped him the bird and walked away o presumably hitchhike back to the Sokoto Moto Murder Lodge. 🎶I’ll fill my nothing box for you..
Babygirl, I’ll be there for yooooou.🎶