Before the 90 Days of Our Lives, Episode 5

Prince Joffrey & Varya:
The couple woke up after a wild night on the leopard pull out couch in Varya’s dilapidated apartment, discussing their plans for the day. The KGB picks them up in a black van and takes them to some nature reserve, which Varya thinks will be right up Joffrey’s alley. Though it’s quite picturesque, it didn’t overshadow the mental picture of exposed wiring and unfinished bathrooms, and Joffrey couldn’t shake the idea that Varya might be using him to get out of dodge. He brings this up to her while standing on a pretty bridge in the park and asks if coming to America was her ultimate goal. She tries to explain her feelings by siting the famous Russian fairytale about the prince that shoots an arrow at a frog, and it turns out to be a princess with nipple tats…. (Sorry, still thinking about it from last week). Whatever the hell the story was about, it seemed to temporarily put Joffrey’s mind at ease.
Later on they meet up with Varya’s friends for dinner so they can all get to know Prince Joffrey. They started out slow, asking about his flight and making small talk, and then went in for the kill; What does he do for a living, kids, relationships, jail time served (ok not that one but not a bad idea…). Joffrey starts getting defensive just as Varyas’s ponytailed friend blows up her spot and reveals he is not the first American Varya has talked to. Joffrey freaks out, yells at everyone, and storms out. He decides she’s been dishonest, and he should leave Russia, all while wearing a baby yellow collared shirt which we all know is covering nipple tats.


Avery & Ashtray:
It appears that A&A migrated passed initial phase one and have consummated their relationship (without even taking an STD test, I might add).They happily discussed their first evening together, as Avery went straight to whipping up one of her famous salads. After getting stoned from salad, they set off to sightsee beautiful Melbourne, and Ashphalt even appeared to be wearing Avery’s jeans- how adorable! They discussed the upcoming meeting with JackAsh’s brother Antish, who seems less blinky and much more serious. Antish has some sinister Jafar-like quality about him that I can’t put my finger on. He basically came to dinner and interviewed Avery, asking her a series of tough questions including her past failed relationships and her intentions for this current one. Avery set off major alarms for Antif when that
she-devil ordered a martini and inspired Ashhole to do the same.
Avery mentioned that the couple planned for Ash to move to America with his son, which looked like it was news to
Uncle Antish. I for one am looking forward to Avery meeting the ex wife, who I feel like might not have any idea that Ashtray told his flavor of the week she’d be ok letting his son move to the other side of the planet. Next!

Big Egg & Rosemarie’s Baby:
After the Egg-splosion in the heat last week, the couple decided to use the air conditioning of a nearby nail salon to simmer down a bit. Big Egg joins his Queen in a mani/pedi (at least he knows her feet are clean!).
Ed takes this opportunity to discuss his concern with Rosemarie’s large facebook friend population, and trying to fish around to see if she possibly had any other eggs in her basket. I didn’t see any harm in him asking, seeing as how he did just fly all the way out there and sweated through his entire shirt just to be with her, but if he repeatedly asked her, I could see it being annoying. He asks Rose to disclose her past, which she refused to do (I mean, she looks like she’s barely 18, so good news is there’s probably not much time for a past), but no such luck.
Later when they went to dinner, Rose pretended to laugh at Ed pretending to stick chopsticks up his nose, in an attempt to appeal to her 6th grade humor. Before ordering but post chopsticks in the nose, Ed is super slick asking Rose for a “favor”; Could she possibly get tested for STDs? (Lucky they didn’t film a few months later or he would have added a Coronavirus test too). Rose claimed she felt her “heart crack” and was highly offended. Her teeth were clenched, she seethed with anger and her throbbing zits were glowing little volcanoes of rage.
Ed tried to explain further that he knows nothing about her past, and isn’t sure if she had been seeing other people. Rose still doesn’t offer up any info, and instead requests that Ed take a test as well, which he agreed to but only in the U.S.
Big Egg is feeling hard boiled and decides to leave her crying at the table to go outside and get some air. She followed him out claiming she needed to go home alone, spitting fire as she talked, looking like the angry lovechild of the girl from Avatar and the girl from The Ring. The looks Rose gave him were terrifying. I’m now going to have to keep a crucifix next to the t.v. for her segments, which is confusing to my Judiasm. This whole scene just left me wondering what the hell they actually talked about for their brief three month LDR, or if they just stared at each other, making faces using puppy filters on Whatsapp.
After Big Egg called her a cab and got her a hotel room, he claimed he doesn’t believe in love. All of the horses and all of the men, couldn’t put big Egg together again. The end.


BGL & Assman:
Baby Girl Lisa and Assman are in their hotel room in Kaduna, watching food dribble out of Assman’s mouth, giddy with excitment for BGL to finally see Sojaboy perform soon live on the big stage. Lisa is concerned that she’ll have to fend off a bunch of his groupies with a stick, but she’s ready for it.
BGL and Assman rolled up to a card & gift shop, which conveniently housed the very professional recording studio where the green card anthem “I’ll be there for you Babygurllisa” was born. She even got to meet the music video director, which seemed to go pretty well, due to the language barrier. Assman translates that the director called her the “Queen of Queens”, and BGL walked away thinking how nice everyone is in Nigergia….
Later the couple hit up a night spot for a casual business meeting with “Abba” (no, not the Dancing Queen Abba, the other one, Abba S-boy. Assman only associates with other Assmen and derivations of Sojaboy). Much like the rest of Sojaboy’s esteemed colleagues, Abba chuckled upon seeing BGL for some mysterious reason. Sojaboy brought up Baby Girl’s jealousy to Abba, who pointed out that female fans are very important in the music industry and chasing them away is a bad business move. But Sojaboy has his new momager now (move over Kris Jenner); what she says goes and she will NOT be disrespected. She proceeded to shut down Abba’s strategies, by using a sock puppet hand gesture repeatedly, before telling him to shut up (including some other four letter word in there). With her hair scrunched tight, her headband in place, hoop earrings in full effect, she stormed off, crowning S-Boy the “most disrespectful Nigerian”, and demanded Sojaboy leave with her.
Looks like she’s going to have her work cut out for her next week, between fighting with Assman over “other bitches” and banning his friends from the premiere party. I will pray for you, babylove…


David & I Lana Come to America:
David hit up a jeweler to look for an engagement ring to propose when he finally meets his Ukrainian bombshell, Take 4. David feels his soon-to-be fiance might like a CZ instead of a diamond (probably just hoping she wouldn’t notice the difference), as it would be extra sparkly on her “small hands”(I mean, she might just have small hands but it was so creepy coming from him). He could have splurged, depending on the return policy, because it seems pretty unlikely that she will show.
David is packing, of course bringing his “massage oil”, as I grab that barf bucket from Sojaboy’s house again real quick….
(I will at this time confirm David is wearing a toupee, thanks to severely unflattering camera angles by some shady cameramen). He said goodbye to his cat “Mothra”, (who better not be riding his unicycle while he’s gone), as he walked passed his Boflex and into the car with his friend Jim to head to the airport. Jim discussed all of the concerns he had for David getting hurt with the elusive Lana, but hes a man on a mission
David touched ground in Odessa, where he was met by his former reject mail order bride, Anya. They’ve kept in touch for the last 12 years (so what was she 15 when he met her?!), and are still friends, leaving one to wonder if they are “friends with sexy emoji benefits”.
Even Anya warns David that Lana may be just using him for money. David explains that they have to meet this time, as they need photos together in order to apply for the Visa, which is their relationship glue. Anya leaves David getting into a hotel elevator, where he awkwardly smiled at her before realizing he had to push the button ( personal favorite part).
Can’t wait to see Dave does the Ukraine.


Stephanie & Erika not Shmerika:
This episode we finally got to meet Erika with a K, who is absolutely adorable. Her hair is super fun, she lives in the Outback steakhouse, and takes pictures of kangaroos- what could bad?! She has a chat with her two best friends in lawn chairs about meeting Stephanie. Her family doesn’t officially know she’s bi-sexual, so that could possibly come up as a storyline. They finally meet at the airport and are all smiles and giggles petting each others’ pretty hair and saying “omg! I cant believe it omg!”. They’re just a cute little intermission between the other segments, but I can’t really tell where the story will go. In any case, I LOVE Australia and they both have amazing hair, so at least it’ll be fun to look at.


Yolander party of 1:
Yolander is wiggling around her apartment complex, complaining that Williams dropped off the face of Instagram. He finally reached out to her via text and said he got locked out of his IG (must’ve been hacked by Nigerian scammers!). This seemed logical to Yolander, so she plans on moving forward with her trip to the U.K.geria.
She met up with her girlfriend Kim at a store appropriately named “Hottie” to shop for the perfect outfit to wear when meeting Williams (hope she picks something purple to match her eyeliner). Kim expresses her doubt about this William’s character, trying to point out all one million red flags, but Yolanda feels invested. Are we actually going to watch her go to England? Mind the gap between your ears, Yolander.

Noticeably missing this week was Darcey, who gets to have her showdown with Tom next week. Can’t wait!