90 Day Book Report: Season 7, Episodes 8 & 9

Emily & Saschinator:
Emily, the Saschinator and baby Dave survived the long journey from Russia and finally landed in Indiana. They had to pay an extra $50 because their luggage was over the 50lb weight limit, and by that I mean baby Dave. (Relax, I think hes the cutest ever and I’m not being mean, hes just one HUGE baby!). Emily’s mother and sister were waiting at the airport to greet them. Mother de Emily looks amazing, and you could already see Sasch giving her the once over. They drove to Emily’s sisters house where they will be staying, and Sascha got to see the bright lights of Indiana from the car window. Their first morning in,
Sascha starts talking smack about Emily’s sister’s Cinnamon Toast Crunch breakfast of champions.
I know my trainer Sascha Schwarzenegger told me to eat oatmeal, peanut butter and fruit for breakfast, but Nicole sold me BoomBod sooooo…..boy,bye.
Emily is trying to step up her post baby workout game to keep Saschisimo’s attention, so he won’t find a new baby mamma at the gym.

Robert & Anny Poppins:
For some reason, production put the military grade camera in the bedroom to watch all 3 of them sleep. Of course it was to exaggerate how annoying it is to sleep with Bryson kicking everyone in the head. Anny Poppins decided enough was enough, and the couple set out to find a new apartment. They looked at a beautiful 2 bedroom HGTV worthy apartment with a realtor (island in the kitchen, open floorplan, ensuite bathroom…the whole package)when Robert revealed that he had resigned his lease for his shoebox for an additional year. Anny Poppins was furious, and now a new person got to watch them fight.
List of people who have had to watch them fight:
-Numerous people in the food service industry
-a realtor
-a porn star grandma
-a boxing instructor
-everyone wasting 2 hours of their lives every Sunday
Make.it.stop.

Michael & Julianna:
Round 327 of everyone trying to explain the prenush to Julianna…..but this time there are puppies. Michael is probably mad that Sarah blew up his spot and mentioned the word prenup, when his plan was just to make her sign a bunch of papers she didnt read and move on.
So now they had to sit down with a lawyer to discuss the prenush. The lawyer gave Juliana a lot to think about, having told her all of the things she should be worrying about if the marriage didn’t work out. Julianna kept claiming that she had to quit all of her jobs, but she must still be painting houses, by the look of her denim coveralls she was wearing this episode…
Then we got to watch her chew in the car for 10 minutes.
Then we got to hear her talk about her independence. The end.

Mike & Natalie:
Meanwhile, the Glen Close of Kiev is ready to introduce Mike to her friend, God. It seemed like the best way to meet God would be driving with Natalie- wow! Somehow they survived Natalie’s awful driving and made it to church alive. The only way Natalie is going to baptize Mike is to get an 20′ ladder and sprinkle some holy water on his head, because it sounds like he’s holding on tight to his X-Files-based religion. Father Moulder and Sister Scully can be witnesses.

Angela & Michael:
In the opening for this segment, they showed Angela’s face in the cotton field again. We get it, shes from Georgia. This is like the 3rd time they used that image that they must’ve found on shutterstock. Back at Mee-Maw’s house, Angela is trying to install a new lock on her bedroom door so her 25 grandchildren don’t interrupt sexy time when her sexy Nigerian arrives. Poor Skyla is not on board with the whole Michael situation, and even LESS on board with the egg totin’ deal. I would like to see a tour of Angela’s homestead, please. So far the decorating scheme is lazy boy meets JoJo Siwa poster scotch taped on the wall.They’ve got Angela’s mom propped up in the corner like a Halloween decoration someone forgot to put away, and there are kids running around everywhere.
Angela explained to her brood that Michael is going to be the man of the house, and they all have to listen to him.
The picture of angela pointing at michael in the frame was priceless.
Angela and Skyla set out to go wedding dress shopping, which had all of the makings to be the best episode of “Say Yes to the Dress” ever. They actually found a dress that looked great on her. I do think she should ditch the veil for the blue headwrap she wore to her engagement party in Nigeria.
I look forward to seeing why Michael was crying in the preview for next week, but I have a feeling it was because he caught a glimpse of his future living situation in this week’s episode.

Anna & Metamucil:
Anna is meeting up with her girlfriends at a fun tiki bar for her bachelorette party (cue the phallic decor). Her one girlfriend got down to business asking Anna questions about she and Metamucil’s sex life. Though Anna claims shes “not complaining ” about his “stinger”, she also revealed that Mussels doesn’t love clams. He doesn’t put the gobble in Turkey. He doesn’t dive in the hive. Do I need to go on? Could I have gone on for the rest of my life not knowing this fun fact? The answer is yes. Anna also revealed that Mucinex is like her 4th son, and he pees on the toilet seat.
It seemed like opening up to her friends about their issues gave her the push to confront Mursupial about speaking to his family in regards to her kids, or else. I’m still confused what the big deal is, why this is a story, what are we doing here, is mike right-is Mussels a descendant of an ancient alien, am I no longer capable of forming sentences, ….just make it stop. Also, when they interviewed Anna, they did such a bad job with the green screen background that her hair was glowing green

That was make take-away.

Absent from tonight were Tania (tripping balls in the rainforest) and Cinnamon, clipping Tanias moms toenails (ala Jenny and Sumit).
Also not in attendance were Blake and Elsa, who were too busy blinking and not talking and not shackelin.