90 Day Book Report: Season 7, Episode 5

Anna & Metamucil:
This starts off with Anna and Mussels prepping for their upcoming wedding. Anna assigned her husband-to-bee (pun intended) the task of making DIY honeycomb-themed wedding decor. I cant imagine how many tries that took to explain….the app probably quit half way through. They so much love the translator app.
Amidst the wedding projects, Anna tries having a serious conversation with Mucinex about his feelings towards her children and also the fact that he sucks at communicating. She is so much right about that, since all he says is “yes”, “Ok, Anna”, and “Turkey-salad” (or whatever that phrase is in Turkish he keeps saying over and over that I think means “very good”).
Since things are going so well, why not go wedding dress shopping?! Metamucil would prefer that Anna wears something more modest like her bee keeping outfit to the wedding, but Anna settles on a strapless beaded number. She ends up crying at the store, not because she “Said Yes to the Dress”, but because of the issues they are facing. Mussels needs to clean the beeswax out of his ears, get Rosetta Stone, and figure out how to communicate or else this is doomed.

Jasmin & Blake:
Well let’s see….Blake tried to introduce Jasmin to his friends, but she prefers to sit in the hotel room instead. She announced that she doesn’t drink, so now there is absolutely no hope of her lightening up. Later in the episode, the Fresh Prince of L.A. and Fashion Nova Barbie went for dinner. Blake tried to talk to her, but she explained how she prefers to eat in silence, without people, alone, in solitude. The only thing that is Finnish is me, with watching this couple. So weird. So boring. So unneccessary.

Tania & Cinnamon:
The girl from the movie “Room” came walking out of her shed after 8 years in captivity looking better than Tania after their first night.
Tania looked like a complete schlepp driving Cinnabon to meet her entire family. In a way, I guess shes doing him a favor by not wearing a bra or fixing her hair right out of the gate, instead of waiting a few years to reveal her true inner frizzy slob, like I did.
Tania’s whole family seems to be sharing the same bottle of “Ronald McDonald-Red” hair dye. I imagine they all get together, blindfolded and go wild applying color to each other’s heads. It’s the oddest color and placement.
At the gathering, Tania announces shes leaving Cineplex for an entire month to go earn her herbal medicine Girl Scout badge in Costa Rica. What in the actual hell is Tania’s deal?!?
So now Cinnamon is shed, party of one, without friends, family, a job, and a bra-less frizzball. I hear Africa is nice this time of year….

Michael & Julianna:
Michael and Julianna take a drive in his mid life crisis car to go furniture shopping. He could’ve hit up IKEA and Home Goods and she would’ve been none the wiser. But no, Mr Fancypants took her somehwere expensive with presumably less meatballs.
It made sense that Julianna should get that pre-stained looking couch, seeing as how she could get finger paint on it while watching Sponge Bob Square Pants and dad won’t even be mad.
Julianna accuses Michael of being a meanie-head for being annoyed that she bought a car on his credit card (hopefully it was nicer than Evelin’s!). Michael didn’t even realize he was now indirectly the founder of Uber Amazonia. (Maybe Paul and Karine can get a 90 Day Discount! )
Michael, Julianna and the kids move into their new giant 80s house. Cant wait to see how she will want to decorate.

Robert & Anny Poppins:
The segment opens with Robert and Anny dining on the finer things in life; cold pizza and champagne. It also appeared to be breakfast time, but I’m not positive on that. There is still a lot of tension between them over the facebook photos of Robert and his army of baby mamas.
The two casually decide to go boxing to punch things so they wont punch each other (not planned by production at all), and their boxing coach just happens to be a bilingual relationship therapist- so convenient! The boxingationship coach is pretty diplomatic, and just stands there, bored, listening to them fight. Just like the rest of us…
Let it be noted that Anny does not have one single frizz or flyaway on her whole head, Tania, and she’s in Florida. Get it together.
Robert met up with Granny XXX and Grandpa to discuss the Anny Poppins situation. They all conclude that they need to get along for Bryson, and agree to meet up again as a foursome (dont take that literally, Grandma), to discuss the details of how this modern day Brady Bunch is going to work.

Emily & Sascha:
Meanwhile back in Russia…..we are all recovering from Emily’s horror show delivery. Baby Dave is super chubby and adorable. What wasn’t so cute, was the close up of Sasha in his tiny underpants hanging all out there, tea-bagging the boppy pillow. It’s totally shocking to hear that Sascha is gone all the time and hasn’t been hanging out with the baby much. When he is hanging out with baby Dave, (like…literally hanging out of his pants), hes on his iPad, presumably looking for wife #4. Hes on the fast track to beating Robert’s baby mama number at this point.

Mike & Natalia:
The episode began with Mike and Natalie waking up in Kiev, after a night of wild tiger noises. Natalie is all squiggly when she talks, and Mike’s totally into it. The tigress explains that shes ready to have tiger cubs, despite Mike’s financial woes and her unapproved visa status.
Mike and Natalie went to meet up with her long time friend Svet Lana for dinner. During dinner, it was revealed that Mike’s religious views are mostly centered around aliens. I don’t think this has to be a deal breaker neccesarily, as there are plenty of successful interfaith marriages. They can baptize their baby in a church AND have some kind of ceremony in a crop circle wearing tin foil hats. It’ll all work out, I’m sure. (Ps…you know he learned his religious views from Uncle Bo).
Natalie took Paul Bunyon for a run to whip him into shape. While running they had a very uncomfortable conversation about Natalie’s ex husband, and I’m pretty sure that Mike wished one of his alien gods would’ve beamed him up to get away from her tractor beam stare.

I’m sending up the bat signal for Angela. If she doesn’t show up next week I quit. TLC is toying with my emotions.