90 Day Book Report: Season 7, Episode 3

Tania & Cinnamon:
We first see Tania and Synagogue wake up in their Times Square hotel room, where she is lovingly playing with his armpit hair. Not sure what culture this is rooted in, and I hope she washed her hands after.
Tania’s friends seem super supportive but her bra however…..not so much. “The girls” were looking pretty droopy as she strutted around NYC in that mint green top. Another terrible outfit choice by Tania.
Cinnamon divulged his many aspirations; firefighter/actor/bartender…a triple threat. Later, they had a serious conversation about life goals and when they would like to have children. Tania is hoping to pop out mini Cinnabons tomorrow, while it sounds like Cinnamon Senior is trying to be more practical and pace himself. I know if I was going to be living in the love shack out back, the first thing I’d want to decorate with would be a baby. What could go wrong?!

Anna & Metamucil:
Well these two were pretty boring this episode. The whole translator app thing is annoying and already getting old. Mucinex is pretending Anna’s boys dont exist, which is both stupid and impossible. Those poor kids are hearing too much, it’s not fair for them. Im not sure why he cares so much what his parents think all the way over in Turkey….they can’t throw rocks at him from there. Next week we have to watch them play with bees🤮

Robert/the voice of Tracy Morgan & Anny Poppins:
The episode began with Robert & Anny discussing their romantic alcohol-infused first night together on the living room couch, with the sleeping kiddo close by. The two set out to buy Anny Poppins a new American wardrobe, since she is now going to be Bryson’s nanny, and apparently brought nothing with her. Robert must have passed at least 3 Marshall’s, a T.J. Max, Ross, Old Navy, and even a Rainbow on their drive to the second hand shop. (Of course this was all planned by the production company, who should have made him take her to Goodwill to up the let-down factor). This “Avalon Exchange” place is my personal shopping preference; a second hand buy/sell store complete with an ironic androgynous hipster employee, where one can buy vintage as well as newer clothing. This is definitely not Robert’s go-to place. If Robert would have taken me there, I probably would have babysat Bryson for like at least 1 hour in return, as vintage shopping is my fave…… Anny not so much. Anny Poppins, much like the original Mary Poppins) prefers more lycra and printed neon in her life, and a little something to show off her undergarments. I always wondered where money came from, and Robert clarified that for me in my new favorite quote:
“Money dont grow on trees, and it definitely don’t fall out of my ass”.
Anny and Robert got into a big fight over the thrift store experience. It ruined their romantic dinner out (I’m surprised the producers didnt have him bring Anny to Taco Bell). Don’t worry though, the couple decided the night wasn’t totally lost, as Bryson was at a babysitter and Robert had bought Anny cheesy lingerie. (I’d personally want to wash that first, ya know Robert shops secondhand). Things are about to get more stupider up in here. Sounds like next week Robert reveals there are 4 more of his spawn out in the world….. hes got some ‘splainin’ to do.

Mike & Natalia:
It took 3 whole episodes to bring us Mike, and so far, I’m not disappointed. First of all, his hometown is called “Squim”, which is only my second favorite city next to Bucaramunga.
Secondly, hes so ridiculously tall! Like, Shaq tall. He’s the Shaq of Squim.
After getting divorced from his first wife, (who turned out to kiss a girl and like it, the taste of her cherry chapstick), he gained a whole other lumberjack amount of weight. He decided to go on his fitness journey with his uncle Bo-Flex, and then got on the “mail order bride” bandwagon.
Natalie is super cute. Shes got this young Glen Close “Fatal Attraction” look going on. She apparently has many degrees, and fun boingy hair- the total package. I look forward to watching Mike be tall in the Ukraine.

Michael & Julianna:
Michael pulled out all the stops upon Julianna’s arrival. He rented an unnecessarily large hummer limo (of course with the ulterior motive of making limo porn), and presented his child bride with a hideous necklace. I actually think Julianna is really cute, and could be a successful model, despite the whole creepy situation that is her new life.
She met Cece and Max, who seemed to react well to her. They made her a fancy brunch, because they are actually mini adults. Those kids are so much more mature than any of the actual adults on this show.

Emily & Sascha:
Well, looks like my kid is going to be an only child and he’s never getting that Russian-born baby sister he wanted! Poor Emily’s “birth experience” was straight out of the sequel to “Hostel”. From the sinister looking doctor with the gauze on his head, to the dull metal tools, to the plastic lawn chair for “expecting fathers to never be there”, I’m still scared. They didn’t even have hospital bracelets, it looked like she was wearing an old telephone cord on her wrist. I will say that the plaid hospital blanket from 1955 was really cool…very avant garde.
Sascha looked bored, and I think he may have been checking out the nurse as potential wife #4.
Welcome to this crazy world, baby Dave.