Before the 90 Days of Our Lives: Episode 5

Ben & Quinoa:
Quinoa showed up wearing an outfit with very poorly placed buttons. I spent the first few minutes thinking her “headlights were on”. After discussing which of the 31 flavors the other probably tastes like and talking about Ben’s weird body hair, Quinoa announces he will be staying with her brother, Fidel. The name Fidel might be the clue that this guy might not be the easiest to get along with, but who knows. Her family was so cute lined up like the Von Trapp family though.

Caesar & tourists in Mexico:
Caesar better save those edible panties, since he wont be able to afford food when he gets home. It was so convenient that those people were swimming in the pool l at the prime time to discuss his personal life, and he just happened to have his cell phone in his swim trunks.
Any minute now he will get his call from Maria (using my best Boris & Natasha voice) “Darlink, I not goink. I chave to wash my hair”, at the perfect scripted moment.

Avery & Omar:
Get the Poise pads….i almost peed my pants with this one!! Avery’s mother doing her best ghost impression at the mosque 😂😂😂
She was too funny with that, and all of her questions. So we have a wedding date, but Omar still doesn’t seem thrilled. Avery seemed nervous, not about war or about lack of electricity, or even being potentially beaten with a stick by her husband, but that there wouldn’t be makeup in Syria. I googled it, no Sephora.
Hopefully her hilarious mother is right, and “being Muslim in the Summer” will be what sets her over the edge. I mean, she cant even get a good primer/setting spray without Sephora and it’s really hot there…..
Her poor mother.

Rebecca & Zied:
Zied is still all squished in his clothes. At least he put a hat over that nasty hair- my gag reflex thanks him for that. Let’s give it up for Rebecca wearing that vest. She was better off wearing Avery’s mom’s sheet 😂 Zied’s parents are totally putting him in time out for bringing home a tattooed married lady.

Jiminey Cricket & Pao #2:
And the award for most awkward dinner goes to…..these 2!! She doesn’t seem too into his manicure, or anything else for that matter. You can’t marry his Ferrari, Pao # 2. That slumber party did look like fun though. He seems to be an expert on hydration and skin care. I feel like maybe Tim, Caesar, and Larissa should open a spa together in her hometown of Vegas. They can have such features as “90 Minute massag-ey”, and “Caesar gel-y”, ok that one is weird. I’d go there though.

Darcy & Tom:
I’m already picking out what I’m wearing to the wedding.

Angela & Michael:
Our girl never disappoints! She strutted her stuff right through that Nigerian airport just glowing, with her bag of tricks in tow. When she announced “we’re back, bitches!” I could hear fans everywhere cheering (OK, maybe just in my house). Then after leaving the airport, they had some kind of Blood Diamond situation. I have to admit, that scared the crap out of me. Like Avery-goes-to-Syria level of scared. But our fearless Angela never wavered, never even took the cigarette out of her mouth. She came at those people speaking a language she didn’t understand, holding weapons, and she was swinging. I might personally write the network to demand she gets her own show.

And a final thought.. why does everyone have to have “a secret I’ve been keeping”??? Like we don’t need a hook. We’re here. We’re showing up every week, though sometimes we question why. Enough with the dumb secret lead ins.